It's August. I feel younger than ever.
Successively I get rid of the blast of bad energy,
scrupulously collected over the years,
and stored in precisely labeled boxes,
date, from who, how hard, and how much.
I was told to spill it over the balcony,
flush it down the toilet, throw it on the wind.
I wont spill, I wont forget, I wont ease off.
Don't leave my life. Don't leave my heart. Don't leave.
I am making room. For the rest of my life. And You.
I adore You sir, with a bottle of beer in your hand
a few weird months, drunk theories,
and in all honesty- I will kill anyone
who will try to write "chaos" and "drama" in between...
Monday, August 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Kali
Let me be clear on who she is
A little insight perhaps
to know one moment as brilliant
as light
the next as dull as an old kitchen knife...
playfully playing as foolish a fool
while knowing your every breath
and every move
Innocent without malice or rage
veiled in gossamer blankets
her age
careful where you step and how
though pretense is no friend of she
a callous heart beats softer within
a hardened and roughened skin
Faster than a thought you thought you had
now gone again she is
slipped out from under your thumb
while she mocked your actions dumb
Not to trust her is to be she most trustworthy
If one's intentions are good
She overlooks the flaws with compassion
and rips through insincerity with carefully
crafted and sinister traps
that snap
when least expected
A true being of gentle heart could earn her confidence
in time
Step wrongly and the mines she's laid
are in the tracks to you she made
A little insight perhaps
to know one moment as brilliant
as light
the next as dull as an old kitchen knife...
playfully playing as foolish a fool
while knowing your every breath
and every move
Innocent without malice or rage
veiled in gossamer blankets
her age
careful where you step and how
though pretense is no friend of she
a callous heart beats softer within
a hardened and roughened skin
Faster than a thought you thought you had
now gone again she is
slipped out from under your thumb
while she mocked your actions dumb
Not to trust her is to be she most trustworthy
If one's intentions are good
She overlooks the flaws with compassion
and rips through insincerity with carefully
crafted and sinister traps
that snap
when least expected
A true being of gentle heart could earn her confidence
in time
Step wrongly and the mines she's laid
are in the tracks to you she made
From Beba
You think you broke her heart
You think you tore her apart
You think you crushed her ego
you think you shattered her dreams
Because you felt threatened...
Then had the audacity
To think that she'd
Follow you to another city
She had had enough
Teary eyed she packed
All her belongings
And walked away
But not before telling you
That you'd have to look
For another partner
To dance quietly
To your miserable tune
You think you tore her apart
You think you crushed her ego
you think you shattered her dreams
Because you felt threatened...
Then had the audacity
To think that she'd
Follow you to another city
She had had enough
Teary eyed she packed
All her belongings
And walked away
But not before telling you
That you'd have to look
For another partner
To dance quietly
To your miserable tune
Monday, July 20, 2009
In The Shadow of Sandalwood Trees
Each time when I am alone,
If I really have to be
Bread overgrows, days swell
Cold and pale,
You and I
Current throws us on the shore by
Under the water I seek your hands
And the handle cracks, strength constantly gone
From the beginning, each step hurts
Under the water I will find a new clue
Always, when you dream of me, if you ever do
From black night and thick fog,
Over-flown river, You and I
With a single,
Pint-sized scrap of Earth
Before the rope rips
The forest burns somewhere,
in the storm find us
Break the heaven, obstruct the wind
At my feet, smaller world will drop
In my heart,
somewhere at the bottom ,
somewhere in May,
in the shadow of sandalwood trees,
in a quiet dream,
darling, I love you...
If I really have to be
Bread overgrows, days swell
Cold and pale,
You and I
Current throws us on the shore by
Under the water I seek your hands
And the handle cracks, strength constantly gone
From the beginning, each step hurts
Under the water I will find a new clue
Always, when you dream of me, if you ever do
From black night and thick fog,
Over-flown river, You and I
With a single,
Pint-sized scrap of Earth
Before the rope rips
The forest burns somewhere,
in the storm find us
Break the heaven, obstruct the wind
At my feet, smaller world will drop
In my heart,
somewhere at the bottom ,
somewhere in May,
in the shadow of sandalwood trees,
in a quiet dream,
darling, I love you...
To B
took her clothes off
you changed her
into subsequent reflection of glass cotton wool
glass entity
dismissal, just another shadow
there was no promise, will get to know them
you wedge dice in her hand
she will play with you
because she no longer remembers if she heard this before
in front of her- a cage, with gold bars, she painted herself
years on- you could feed her with gloves on your hands
choice
is a narrative rationality
you changed her
into subsequent reflection of glass cotton wool
glass entity
dismissal, just another shadow
there was no promise, will get to know them
you wedge dice in her hand
she will play with you
because she no longer remembers if she heard this before
in front of her- a cage, with gold bars, she painted herself
years on- you could feed her with gloves on your hands
choice
is a narrative rationality
Monday, July 6, 2009
From a dream...
In a daisy-run
Tripped over You
Laying on a meadow
Snarled with wooden
Beads
In Washed jeans
So nonchalant
Distant
Like a harbor
In New Zeland
I always wished
it would
welcome me.
Laid down
Next to you
In the high grass
Marking
the shape of my body
You smiled
With eyes
And corners of your lips
Tripped over You
Laying on a meadow
Snarled with wooden
Beads
In Washed jeans
So nonchalant
Distant
Like a harbor
In New Zeland
I always wished
it would
welcome me.
Laid down
Next to you
In the high grass
Marking
the shape of my body
You smiled
With eyes
And corners of your lips
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Thought-sweetened tea
...and as a matter of fact the cup is fairly big, so I need quite a bit of sugar coated thoughts
...over the city, storm, again
...sometimes I wonder, which day the city will simply drown, and I with it
...drying another pair of shoes
...and I dream of a candle night with a glass of Martini Rosso, well, not really, but I do enjoy the rain.
...price
...what is the price of the truth?
...if the price is too high, is it worth exploring it?
...what is verity?
...how do you live with it, remembering what a lie is?
...how to look someone in the eye, and trust them??
I sit on the window-sill, breath in the smell of rain, and hold your hand.
...over the city, storm, again
...sometimes I wonder, which day the city will simply drown, and I with it
...drying another pair of shoes
...and I dream of a candle night with a glass of Martini Rosso, well, not really, but I do enjoy the rain.
...price
...what is the price of the truth?
...if the price is too high, is it worth exploring it?
...what is verity?
...how do you live with it, remembering what a lie is?
...how to look someone in the eye, and trust them??
I sit on the window-sill, breath in the smell of rain, and hold your hand.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
:)
Everything that day was going over clods of earth. Just a day. Viciously July-ish. First, in the morning, I almost used shaving gel to wash my hair, then I tangled that leg of mine in my undies and notched the soil, I mean the floor. On my way out, I tripped over my own feet and made sure to score a huge bruise on my knee and became a spectacle for pedestrians. Then, at work, I wrecked my favourite cup, the one with frogs. While I was bellyaching over the loss of my precious cup (and the chamomile-honey-lemon tea) like it was a diamond ring, a friend of mine was chuckling and howling, until I burned the kettle. Impossible, I know, but it's enough if You don't pour water in it. As I tried to reach for juice in the refrigerator I crashed my head on the corner of the door.
Bud-The Rescuer- called me a patent idiot, and by force installed me in front of my compute reminding me not to move, or touch glass dishes, knives or anything that would be harmful to the environment or to me. He didn't economize on the irony, but I didn't dare to send him the notice of opposition. Day like that and I doubted the world, people, and mostly- myself. Where was the Gemini's luck I was born with? Remarkable gift to transform failure into success?
What is happiness? "When You win the Mega Million you will know what happiness is" I thought. But then sat down and thought about it. When was the last time I felt truly happy? Laughing. Bubble bath. A glass of an excellent wine. A movie, that caught my heart. A book, good enough to keep me up all night. Simple glance. Favourite ice cream. Pants that fit just right. Flowers for no reason. Words: I love You. Holding hands. Lazy Sunday afternoon on a couch. Arms that surround me and make me feel safe. Kind words, and his soft touch. Eating ice cream on a rainy day. A cup of chamomile-honey-lemon tea. My sister's achievements and my parent's patience. Their presence, and unconditional love.
So many things to overpay that one bad day. Heck, enough to overpay a hundred of those. I agree, I tangled my foot in my undies, I totally destroyed the cup, and then burned the kettle- and what? Tomorrow I will laugh at it; anger and bitterness will vanish. Sure I am clumsy but that's just how I roll, and I like it quite alright damnit.
Bud-The Rescuer- called me a patent idiot, and by force installed me in front of my compute reminding me not to move, or touch glass dishes, knives or anything that would be harmful to the environment or to me. He didn't economize on the irony, but I didn't dare to send him the notice of opposition. Day like that and I doubted the world, people, and mostly- myself. Where was the Gemini's luck I was born with? Remarkable gift to transform failure into success?
What is happiness? "When You win the Mega Million you will know what happiness is" I thought. But then sat down and thought about it. When was the last time I felt truly happy? Laughing. Bubble bath. A glass of an excellent wine. A movie, that caught my heart. A book, good enough to keep me up all night. Simple glance. Favourite ice cream. Pants that fit just right. Flowers for no reason. Words: I love You. Holding hands. Lazy Sunday afternoon on a couch. Arms that surround me and make me feel safe. Kind words, and his soft touch. Eating ice cream on a rainy day. A cup of chamomile-honey-lemon tea. My sister's achievements and my parent's patience. Their presence, and unconditional love.
So many things to overpay that one bad day. Heck, enough to overpay a hundred of those. I agree, I tangled my foot in my undies, I totally destroyed the cup, and then burned the kettle- and what? Tomorrow I will laugh at it; anger and bitterness will vanish. Sure I am clumsy but that's just how I roll, and I like it quite alright damnit.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I won't light internet candles made of parenthesis, stars and commas!
When in 1991 Freddie Mercury died- I was 7 years old and I cried like a beaver
Watched bits and pieces of Queen’s work. ALL weekend long. That was something.
Song after song. Two damn days. Like a memorial service.
Throughout my entire childhood I was a full of zeal worshiper of Freddie and Queen.
Michale Jackson, I worshiped as passionately, though it was love, a tad bashful, shameful I would say.
Reason of State: the genre of pursued music.
I loved Michael passionately and as a 8 year wanted to to make out with him.
I used to write letters to myself, “from the future”
And in each I would always ask,
“Asia, do you know how to dance, Michael Jackson style?
No. Asia did not learn . And she wont.
I am 25 years old, and Michael just died.
Watched bits and pieces of Queen’s work. ALL weekend long. That was something.
Song after song. Two damn days. Like a memorial service.
Throughout my entire childhood I was a full of zeal worshiper of Freddie and Queen.
Michale Jackson, I worshiped as passionately, though it was love, a tad bashful, shameful I would say.
Reason of State: the genre of pursued music.
I loved Michael passionately and as a 8 year wanted to to make out with him.
I used to write letters to myself, “from the future”
And in each I would always ask,
“Asia, do you know how to dance, Michael Jackson style?
No. Asia did not learn . And she wont.
I am 25 years old, and Michael just died.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I never...
...Everyone wants something, everyone expects a decision
...I never promised anything, and I wont promise a damn thing now.
...You cannot start loving people who once nourished your life with lies and pain.
...You can only try to live in peace with them, and malt the track once you decide to leave.
...Is kind of like -hmmmm- what's a good way of saying it???- someone cut your hands off, later was angry and disappointed that you couldn't serve them the coffee they asked for
...my hair is growing, sometimes I can feel it, when I close my eyes
...And of course, the amount of milk chocolate subsides at the local store when I need it most, in the parallel world; like every-other month dispatch from a different, parallel reality
...call it a lesson of humility
...call it a "Life exhilaration" lesson
...I, today, call it motherfucking unfair !!!!!!
...I never promised anything, and I wont promise a damn thing now.
...You cannot start loving people who once nourished your life with lies and pain.
...You can only try to live in peace with them, and malt the track once you decide to leave.
...Is kind of like -hmmmm- what's a good way of saying it???- someone cut your hands off, later was angry and disappointed that you couldn't serve them the coffee they asked for
...my hair is growing, sometimes I can feel it, when I close my eyes
...And of course, the amount of milk chocolate subsides at the local store when I need it most, in the parallel world; like every-other month dispatch from a different, parallel reality
...call it a lesson of humility
...call it a "Life exhilaration" lesson
...I, today, call it motherfucking unfair !!!!!!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Tabletki z krzy[ży]kiem
A whole sea of words I had for You,
but I am aware
I am wasting my time.
Will stand just a tad. Meditate.
Turn around. Walk away.
I wont knock anymore.
I can't write how much
and say how hard
I can only wait
Until all of this will fit in me
And will stop ripping me apart
I breath. Deeply.
Privy
I know a hundred and eleven ways
to repress tears
And two hundred and eighty tricks
to suppress shouts in my throat
I also train swallowing pills at times,
and everyday 'going to work'
Thank You. I am not too shabby ;)
Maybe I do weigh a ton,
maybe I hate the way maybe sounds
And when I smile, in my eyes sadness
is still noticeable
Maybe indeed I am boring,
Have disposition to sometimes exaggerate
and pile on the agony
Maybe I do expect a lot, but
can give an equal amount back
Maybe I wish to fly, but until then- I walk
Step by step
I walk away from You
but I am aware
I am wasting my time.
Will stand just a tad. Meditate.
Turn around. Walk away.
I wont knock anymore.
I can't write how much
and say how hard
I can only wait
Until all of this will fit in me
And will stop ripping me apart
I breath. Deeply.
Privy
I know a hundred and eleven ways
to repress tears
And two hundred and eighty tricks
to suppress shouts in my throat
I also train swallowing pills at times,
and everyday 'going to work'
Thank You. I am not too shabby ;)
Maybe I do weigh a ton,
maybe I hate the way maybe sounds
And when I smile, in my eyes sadness
is still noticeable
Maybe indeed I am boring,
Have disposition to sometimes exaggerate
and pile on the agony
Maybe I do expect a lot, but
can give an equal amount back
Maybe I wish to fly, but until then- I walk
Step by step
I walk away from You
I am unsinkable...
I wouldn't lie much, writing, that birds woke me up today.
at 4am..
definitely their time. chirruping. lyrically.
two alarm clocks raising hell I will conceal,
because it doesn't really compose stylistically here.
so anyway, we have 4 o'clock in the morning.
I leave for work in a few hours.
I feel glamorous. And now,
show what you're made of princess.
...about me, I ask not to worry.
ostentation of mercy and excess of principles,
fact remain facts, people- people,
and stools- as we know, stand solidly.
generally- nothing gets lost in nature, and karma is a bitch,
and the rest of all the cliche-s,
which can be multiplied in here. but what for.
I keep walking.
with hands in pockets,
and a huge, hard stone in my stomach
but it will pass
I will pass this.
I am unsinkable, don't lose coordinates,
don't sheer off the track
waft steadily and adamantly,
under my own, independent ensign
with enough energy for entire fleet ;)
well, for the most part :D
at 4am..
definitely their time. chirruping. lyrically.
two alarm clocks raising hell I will conceal,
because it doesn't really compose stylistically here.
so anyway, we have 4 o'clock in the morning.
I leave for work in a few hours.
I feel glamorous. And now,
show what you're made of princess.
...about me, I ask not to worry.
ostentation of mercy and excess of principles,
fact remain facts, people- people,
and stools- as we know, stand solidly.
generally- nothing gets lost in nature, and karma is a bitch,
and the rest of all the cliche-s,
which can be multiplied in here. but what for.
I keep walking.
with hands in pockets,
and a huge, hard stone in my stomach
but it will pass
I will pass this.
I am unsinkable, don't lose coordinates,
don't sheer off the track
waft steadily and adamantly,
under my own, independent ensign
with enough energy for entire fleet ;)
well, for the most part :D
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Nice to meet you
...I could paint my emotions on canvas...
I could write a poem...
I could crank out a poetic tale...and I?
Banned from eating chocolate,
make some coffee, and wait for spring.
Two month "grace period" ended. Done with sobbing and drama.
That's it on the subject of emotions.
Not worth it. Not for a moment more. And even though emotional flashbacks are inevitable, I will get around those too.
Because I said so. Because I want to. ....in meantime-----I manage well.
I make "well". I order veggie wraps and eat them.
Hours at end I walk in between shelves of The Seminary Co-op, and take, whatever my soul desires.
I will read all the books, even the stupid ones. Because. I want to.
Wander around the city with my mp3 player, and look in every nook and cranny.
Generate energy, and exchange it with others, goof off, peep.
I don't need to disguise to be feeling like someone.
I won't stand on my toes, or pole vault.
I don't have to be trendy, jazzy, groovy, or funky.
I don't need an asymmetric cut from a gay hairdresser, or friends from TV.
I won't glue on a personality, extend my intelligence, or pump my ego.
I don't have a tag. I am exactly, who I am. Not someone else.
My name is Asia.
Nice to meet you.
I could write a poem...
I could crank out a poetic tale...and I?
Banned from eating chocolate,
make some coffee, and wait for spring.
Two month "grace period" ended. Done with sobbing and drama.
That's it on the subject of emotions.
Not worth it. Not for a moment more. And even though emotional flashbacks are inevitable, I will get around those too.
Because I said so. Because I want to. ....in meantime-----I manage well.
I make "well". I order veggie wraps and eat them.
Hours at end I walk in between shelves of The Seminary Co-op, and take, whatever my soul desires.
I will read all the books, even the stupid ones. Because. I want to.
Wander around the city with my mp3 player, and look in every nook and cranny.
Generate energy, and exchange it with others, goof off, peep.
I don't need to disguise to be feeling like someone.
I won't stand on my toes, or pole vault.
I don't have to be trendy, jazzy, groovy, or funky.
I don't need an asymmetric cut from a gay hairdresser, or friends from TV.
I won't glue on a personality, extend my intelligence, or pump my ego.
I don't have a tag. I am exactly, who I am. Not someone else.
My name is Asia.
Nice to meet you.
A Step Away
A whole in the sky, fate managed
Without a reason charade is standing in the doorway
Faded lips love has
Apathy loves you
One more moment and we will melt
Destiny bores me
Will give you myself, though I dont know
If its worth to fudge fate
When I strip from the disgust
You will see me naked
Now, please, leave
Empty space around robs me
Under the eyelid close the tear
I wont ask, you shouldnt either
Maybe I was only your dream
From the highest stage of madness
I am only a moment away
Those few months
Every morning,
I observe the entire world,
In your arms.
Without a reason charade is standing in the doorway
Faded lips love has
Apathy loves you
One more moment and we will melt
Destiny bores me
Will give you myself, though I dont know
If its worth to fudge fate
When I strip from the disgust
You will see me naked
Now, please, leave
Empty space around robs me
Under the eyelid close the tear
I wont ask, you shouldnt either
Maybe I was only your dream
From the highest stage of madness
I am only a moment away
Those few months
Every morning,
I observe the entire world,
In your arms.
My Own Benchmark
How far would I have to move
For You to know why You want to be with me?
Here...
Say it
So many things the world is holding
That I would have to bring down to Your feet
For You just to be
The day wakes, the night caves in
I love You, and it's no ones business
Everyone wanting to set their own benchmark,
You and I- my secret world .
Today, everyone wonders
How for so many years
You and I...
Nothing holds us back, because world belongs to us
The day wakes, the night caves in
I love You, and that's all that matters.
For You to know why You want to be with me?
Here...
Say it
So many things the world is holding
That I would have to bring down to Your feet
For You just to be
The day wakes, the night caves in
I love You, and it's no ones business
Everyone wanting to set their own benchmark,
You and I- my secret world .
Today, everyone wonders
How for so many years
You and I...
Nothing holds us back, because world belongs to us
The day wakes, the night caves in
I love You, and that's all that matters.
Love
I have no idea how it happened
It fell on me unexpectedly
Like a grey snow in the middle of May
It brought Winter, gale of feelings
It landed in your heart, and mine changed into a snowflake
I will never understand Her, she comes as she pleases
Maybe it will meet me in the fog of solitude
Maybe it will meet me again
Love is like weather, you can never foresee it
First, a hurricane of feelings, then flood of tears
I have no idea how it happened
It fell on me like unexpectedly like a rain on a desert
She brought a cure; she put a spell on me
In a single moment, the world change,
It bloomed in rainbow of colors
I will never understand her, She comes as she pleases
Different everyday,
Like a storm She walks through your life
Though, sometimes it's too strong, though sometimes it's too hot,
One thing I know,
Without Her,
There is no me.
It fell on me unexpectedly
Like a grey snow in the middle of May
It brought Winter, gale of feelings
It landed in your heart, and mine changed into a snowflake
I will never understand Her, she comes as she pleases
Maybe it will meet me in the fog of solitude
Maybe it will meet me again
Love is like weather, you can never foresee it
First, a hurricane of feelings, then flood of tears
I have no idea how it happened
It fell on me like unexpectedly like a rain on a desert
She brought a cure; she put a spell on me
In a single moment, the world change,
It bloomed in rainbow of colors
I will never understand her, She comes as she pleases
Different everyday,
Like a storm She walks through your life
Though, sometimes it's too strong, though sometimes it's too hot,
One thing I know,
Without Her,
There is no me.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Considerate geography of an accident
Listen. For a few days, and cannot stop. Calms me, sways me. Slowly. More and more Quietly.
Slowly, casually, I learn the art of negligence, not waiting, not expecting, forgiving, endurance, self-support, self-sufficiency. enter and leave. Walk away.
I leave. I pass by. Bypass. Belong to no one. Glide with my eyes, pass through with my tongue. Sensor. Fuse. Check, control and inspect. For unexpectedly it changed. Waned. Sulfate bar of inner willingness and inclination flew down. No, no thank You. I will stand. No, not this close.
That’s it. Without fear, anxiety or concern. State of boiling point well-kept. It aimed directly toward itself. Aimed up. Controlled.
I ask for specifics, something solid and concrete. About meter and a half squared of warm skin. A few organs, and g-spots. Priceless zones.
Slowly, casually, I learn the art of negligence, not waiting, not expecting, forgiving, endurance, self-support, self-sufficiency. enter and leave. Walk away.
I leave. I pass by. Bypass. Belong to no one. Glide with my eyes, pass through with my tongue. Sensor. Fuse. Check, control and inspect. For unexpectedly it changed. Waned. Sulfate bar of inner willingness and inclination flew down. No, no thank You. I will stand. No, not this close.
That’s it. Without fear, anxiety or concern. State of boiling point well-kept. It aimed directly toward itself. Aimed up. Controlled.
I ask for specifics, something solid and concrete. About meter and a half squared of warm skin. A few organs, and g-spots. Priceless zones.
Screw it! Fuck restraint, we all know I love working
Oh sure. Monday morning like today I like. I so want to, with a fist on my lips,stride like a knight in combat.
...with gooey cluster of windmills, which accumulated in my work-garden. I suspected for this to happen. Group work, despite ostensibly uniting powers, is moving three times slower than solo. It means that mess is thirteen times larger, and tuning the instruments is 30 times longer, and uncertanity of action probably three hundred times heftier, if all, what according to plan was supposed to get done, is after all accomplished, and it wont get lost in the field of red beets. Because someone, something, somewhere. Maybe I will get used to it :)
My own desk, and my own corner.
My very own project, my own work computer, my very own field to plant flowers to honour the system.
Hell, I dont know. For now? For some time?
Until I make enough to buy my very own gypsy wagon, and folk group to play violin when I go to bed.
Naaaaaaaaaah...... temporary solution: a mighty swamp of most lives. Substitutionary, and temporary- just like a temporary car.
Curriculum vitae, which actual version is actually in service, with the screenwriter. To iron, to ennoble, meanwhile, in the meantime you drive the "temporary Curriculum vitae".
Years at the time.
Oh no no no.
I will either love what awaits me ( "You did everything? You still have some time? Because, you know we have this loophole here, appears, just for You")....or I will restore the silence and harmony which -didnt quite remember- after all I did have.
The world didnt fall apart. "After all it's just my job"- I reapeat, and astonsihed listen, when they take me into account time after time. I nod my head- for now.
I wont let that happen- and here you have my pledge, signed with the blood from the elbow I ripped on the fence in the back yard three life times ago- I wont let it happen. You know, that situation form "The Generation X" : total spam after robbery apprenticeship at the work place, and then the suburbs, and a job, to losen up somehow.
Restraint, restraint, restraint....the Angel repeats over one ear. The Devil over the other one passionatily whispers: Screw it! Fuck restraint: we all know I love working.
...with gooey cluster of windmills, which accumulated in my work-garden. I suspected for this to happen. Group work, despite ostensibly uniting powers, is moving three times slower than solo. It means that mess is thirteen times larger, and tuning the instruments is 30 times longer, and uncertanity of action probably three hundred times heftier, if all, what according to plan was supposed to get done, is after all accomplished, and it wont get lost in the field of red beets. Because someone, something, somewhere. Maybe I will get used to it :)
My own desk, and my own corner.
My very own project, my own work computer, my very own field to plant flowers to honour the system.
Hell, I dont know. For now? For some time?
Until I make enough to buy my very own gypsy wagon, and folk group to play violin when I go to bed.
Naaaaaaaaaah...... temporary solution: a mighty swamp of most lives. Substitutionary, and temporary- just like a temporary car.
Curriculum vitae, which actual version is actually in service, with the screenwriter. To iron, to ennoble, meanwhile, in the meantime you drive the "temporary Curriculum vitae".
Years at the time.
Oh no no no.
I will either love what awaits me ( "You did everything? You still have some time? Because, you know we have this loophole here, appears, just for You")....or I will restore the silence and harmony which -didnt quite remember- after all I did have.
The world didnt fall apart. "After all it's just my job"- I reapeat, and astonsihed listen, when they take me into account time after time. I nod my head- for now.
I wont let that happen- and here you have my pledge, signed with the blood from the elbow I ripped on the fence in the back yard three life times ago- I wont let it happen. You know, that situation form "The Generation X" : total spam after robbery apprenticeship at the work place, and then the suburbs, and a job, to losen up somehow.
Restraint, restraint, restraint....the Angel repeats over one ear. The Devil over the other one passionatily whispers: Screw it! Fuck restraint: we all know I love working.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Auto-diagnosis
10:04:55 asia.bizub
I simply have a problem
And the problem is
10:05:07 obrien.suzanne
That YOU have too strong of a personality????
10:05:36 asia.bizub
And strong-personality-women scare men
Attract alcoholics
So in general- I’m fucked
10:06:01 obrien.suzanne
No. Wait. What? Alcoholics????
Yes you are.
I simply have a problem
And the problem is
10:05:07 obrien.suzanne
That YOU have too strong of a personality????
10:05:36 asia.bizub
And strong-personality-women scare men
Attract alcoholics
So in general- I’m fucked
10:06:01 obrien.suzanne
No. Wait. What? Alcoholics????
Yes you are.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I już, już palce piszą...i...no w morde...dupa.
Fathers with strong fists
Light late at night glaucous light bulbs
Of beloved screens
Red fingers Clasping the metal of cans
Or stroke the slippery necks of green bottles
Later they sleep but don’t dream
Wake up every now and then
Covered with silver dewdrops
Listen to creaking floor
Passionate melodies of door handles
In doors that have been long
Shut closed
When first scream of dawn
Shaking awake from the night
They get up, Honing
Knees and dusty soul
Loudly splutter in tiled bathrooms
Pattering feet on the wooden floor
Spurting metal pots
That cannot be smashed
Sons of fathers with hard jaws
Wake up five minutes after dawn
With alarm clock spoons on the floor
Overfilled souls on shoulder
Carefully dressed in tidy Grey rags
Wincing in the surface of blue mirrors
Then with quite morning porridge
Eyes paint shapes of far away islands
And dark, warm caves
Where they can dream each night
Dreams scented with sea power
Dark sides of the moon.
Shine during the day with gloom of the well
(her black iris gobbles up the pupil)
In the unbreakable shadow hide
Outlines of dust rings
(her lips seem to say
Us is gone)
Light late at night glaucous light bulbs
Of beloved screens
Red fingers Clasping the metal of cans
Or stroke the slippery necks of green bottles
Later they sleep but don’t dream
Wake up every now and then
Covered with silver dewdrops
Listen to creaking floor
Passionate melodies of door handles
In doors that have been long
Shut closed
When first scream of dawn
Shaking awake from the night
They get up, Honing
Knees and dusty soul
Loudly splutter in tiled bathrooms
Pattering feet on the wooden floor
Spurting metal pots
That cannot be smashed
Sons of fathers with hard jaws
Wake up five minutes after dawn
With alarm clock spoons on the floor
Overfilled souls on shoulder
Carefully dressed in tidy Grey rags
Wincing in the surface of blue mirrors
Then with quite morning porridge
Eyes paint shapes of far away islands
And dark, warm caves
Where they can dream each night
Dreams scented with sea power
Dark sides of the moon.
Shine during the day with gloom of the well
(her black iris gobbles up the pupil)
In the unbreakable shadow hide
Outlines of dust rings
(her lips seem to say
Us is gone)
Monday, May 18, 2009
A lot of swearing. Purposely.
I’m going to a local store to buy three kilos of beef liver, in which I will sink my claws and I will shred in into tatters. Screaming.
(Tatters later I will feed the cats, which keenly conjecture under the window of my Grey, damp, bleak office. Ha, they should be careful, or they will end up in the “CATS’ BODIES” exhibit, ragged skin, later I will spray with my hairspray)
Because on my way to work today…
Traffic. Fair. Happens everyday. Heavier, lighter- I am used to it. I have written traffic into my curriculum vitae as indelible element. A component or ingredient I would say. Not to say- everyday laboriousness. To top it all off, construction on one of the lanes calmly taking over the street without an alternate route. I somehow don’t believe they will fix it, without ruts, for a smooth ride, because it’s near IMPOSSIBLE in the Chicago asphalt reality, but hey, what do I know. The government has to give jobs so we don’t go into deeper depression.
But today the traffic started already in downtown so on each crossing, I mean, on every single damn crossing wonderful Chicagoan drivers, cunt lice passing malaria spore, would just jam the intersection and happily blocking it for the duration of my green light. Relevantly to that, being the third vehicle on the turning lane, we waited 2, 6, 50 lights. And that went on for the new 123456789 lights.
Chicago Police Department has financial issues????? Really????
I really don’t quite understand that. If each one of those mega assholes driving with their hands growing out of their assholes would get a ticket for being brain dead empty headed butt heads, for having other drivers and the rules of the road where the sun don’t shine.
What in the world do we need the photo radars for if the entire city doesn’t drive, we stand still?????
Tremendous oversight is that everyone can have a kid, and driver’s license. It shouldn’t be like that. Only then the world would have a chance to be a better place.
In connection with the above statements, I will go get that liver and about a kilo of trinitrotoluene, before I have a stroke.
I feel godly.
I think that may be the only thing that makes me happy.
Wait. Next to chocolate.
(Tatters later I will feed the cats, which keenly conjecture under the window of my Grey, damp, bleak office. Ha, they should be careful, or they will end up in the “CATS’ BODIES” exhibit, ragged skin, later I will spray with my hairspray)
Because on my way to work today…
Traffic. Fair. Happens everyday. Heavier, lighter- I am used to it. I have written traffic into my curriculum vitae as indelible element. A component or ingredient I would say. Not to say- everyday laboriousness. To top it all off, construction on one of the lanes calmly taking over the street without an alternate route. I somehow don’t believe they will fix it, without ruts, for a smooth ride, because it’s near IMPOSSIBLE in the Chicago asphalt reality, but hey, what do I know. The government has to give jobs so we don’t go into deeper depression.
But today the traffic started already in downtown so on each crossing, I mean, on every single damn crossing wonderful Chicagoan drivers, cunt lice passing malaria spore, would just jam the intersection and happily blocking it for the duration of my green light. Relevantly to that, being the third vehicle on the turning lane, we waited 2, 6, 50 lights. And that went on for the new 123456789 lights.
Chicago Police Department has financial issues????? Really????
I really don’t quite understand that. If each one of those mega assholes driving with their hands growing out of their assholes would get a ticket for being brain dead empty headed butt heads, for having other drivers and the rules of the road where the sun don’t shine.
What in the world do we need the photo radars for if the entire city doesn’t drive, we stand still?????
Tremendous oversight is that everyone can have a kid, and driver’s license. It shouldn’t be like that. Only then the world would have a chance to be a better place.
In connection with the above statements, I will go get that liver and about a kilo of trinitrotoluene, before I have a stroke.
I feel godly.
I think that may be the only thing that makes me happy.
Wait. Next to chocolate.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Aj Nie Wiem
With one smooth move, on ‘breath in’, I close us. I send us away. My cheeks are no longer rosy. My hands no longer shake. The world did not stop moving. It no longer hurts. I breath. Everything is exactly the way it used to be.
TELEGRAM: chillness is able to effectively expire feel-ings.
I am like a thawing machine.
Firstly, I freeze in me, whatever I feel.
Then, when suddenly arrives that tide of tenderness, I begin to melt.
Melted I prick conscience, that my direction of actions is simply absurd.
For the frozen product that is thawing decomposes.
Oh, right. After all, I am decomposed- all the way through the bone narrow.
TELEGRAM: In all honesty, I don’t require all that much….
Maybe…Nonetheless my temperature should go down. I will gain my strength to have it with my past, once and for all.
Time to clean all this me that collected around me- only because I wasn’t able to move an eyelid. How much can one close eyes to obvious matters. He was. Now gone. And won’t be. Time came to roll up my sleeves and stop the bellyaching.
Think too much today. Too long. And I am scared. Looking at me, most likely wont be able to tell. Under the curtain of smile I hide fright and consternation. When you want a lot, you pay the highest price.
TELEGRAM: chillness is able to effectively expire feel-ings.
I am like a thawing machine.
Firstly, I freeze in me, whatever I feel.
Then, when suddenly arrives that tide of tenderness, I begin to melt.
Melted I prick conscience, that my direction of actions is simply absurd.
For the frozen product that is thawing decomposes.
Oh, right. After all, I am decomposed- all the way through the bone narrow.
TELEGRAM: In all honesty, I don’t require all that much….
Maybe…Nonetheless my temperature should go down. I will gain my strength to have it with my past, once and for all.
Time to clean all this me that collected around me- only because I wasn’t able to move an eyelid. How much can one close eyes to obvious matters. He was. Now gone. And won’t be. Time came to roll up my sleeves and stop the bellyaching.
Think too much today. Too long. And I am scared. Looking at me, most likely wont be able to tell. Under the curtain of smile I hide fright and consternation. When you want a lot, you pay the highest price.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
New beginnings...
...are hella good :)
When in May you start smelling and feeling spring,
it doesn't necessary mean that you lost your sense.
Happiness can take weird forms,
and sometimes it can hide under a few inconspicuous rays of sunshine
or under a stone.
All of a sudden, everything seems so much easier,
and problems, everyday ones, I ran away from, melt away in the sun.
Because sometimes it is just that easy.
And for those moments alone, I want to wake up in the morning,
and not notice that years are running a lot faster now,
and that I no longer am a child whose priority was the candy store.
Wait. I am
I wont stop the instant of evanescent enthusiasm and hope,
that everything will align, between us, between myself and I,
and I will enjoy it for as long as the sky will remain blue.
When in May you start smelling and feeling spring,
it doesn't necessary mean that you lost your sense.
Happiness can take weird forms,
and sometimes it can hide under a few inconspicuous rays of sunshine
or under a stone.
All of a sudden, everything seems so much easier,
and problems, everyday ones, I ran away from, melt away in the sun.
Because sometimes it is just that easy.
And for those moments alone, I want to wake up in the morning,
and not notice that years are running a lot faster now,
and that I no longer am a child whose priority was the candy store.
Wait. I am
I wont stop the instant of evanescent enthusiasm and hope,
that everything will align, between us, between myself and I,
and I will enjoy it for as long as the sky will remain blue.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Planning my life with sun [Part 1]
I no longer run, just to be away
I walk towards my dreams, straight thoughts, expectations
in May, with sun in my face
I gave in to everyday life,
without feeling nauseous when I look in the mirror
I define happiness as little things
people that surround me, family, the ones I love,
spring, a box of chocolates,
I am done with pretending and insincerity
I want to get lost in that love I hold so dearly,
once again,
Dredge up ideals, laugh, believe
Different characters, different history
Same tears.
Sensing self vulnerability
Deprived of being powerless
I cannot be angry
I love You
You know, a while ago, before the rage of all those new years resolutions started, something changed in me. Unfortunately, all livers and lungs were sold out, but I still think I got a really good deal. I certify that I stared telling the truth- mostly to the ones closest to me, or potentially close to me- what I think, what I feel, when it concerns them and me.
Without colouring anything, without those unneeded metaphors, stupid smiles, unneeded jokes and restraint. I don’t intend to feel ashamed; I don’t want to speak with help of words that no one understands. Got rid of all innuendos, quizzes. Threw the hell out those damn lies. Too much time I lost, too much health slipped through my fingers. I no longer wish to creep in the shadow of my own feelings, with groundless hope, that someone will light the candle.
I have to admit, it hasn’t been easy, required changing many habits. Now, I have to look straight into one’s eyes, without posing tense situations at the same time. Preserve naturalness, discretion, leeway, laughter. Speak adamantly, slowly and firmly. I can and do like myself; there is nothing wrong with that, as long as I speak from the very inside. It helps. Amazingly facilitates and gives me satisfaction, which simply doesn’t fit in my pocket anymore.
Reactions may vary, may start with a shock, after all how many people square directness with sensitivity and vulnerability. Abruptly I observe, how seldom we speak our minds, what we keep in our hearts.
All fruits of my character, my romanticism, sorrows, joys, and frustrations, what I feel and how I try to understand, when shock passes, embarrassment may appear. I may see the cloud of questions. How to behave? Respond to honesty with honesty? Or quickly change the subject?
When I decided for such step, I was afraid of tears, honest-heart-melting smiles. Fury and unstoppable anger. But that's what has convinced me that I made the right choice, when I pulled the plug, turned the fuses off, and in that one shinning moment- everything made sense. There is no more hiding.
It is tad different than I wanted, but in all honesty the method works. Makes me feel better, the fact that I no longer am lying to anyone; I am not hiding things that should have seen the daylight a long time ago. I am sure upcoming months will be ideal, to exercise my own sincerity, strength and straight-forwardness. Who knows, maybe YOU will appreciate it.
So the two of us can feast on the fruit of our feelings soon enough, gettinG rid of doubt and thoughts of moving on. Without stopping, wasting any more time.
I walk towards my dreams, straight thoughts, expectations
in May, with sun in my face
I gave in to everyday life,
without feeling nauseous when I look in the mirror
I define happiness as little things
people that surround me, family, the ones I love,
spring, a box of chocolates,
I am done with pretending and insincerity
I want to get lost in that love I hold so dearly,
once again,
Dredge up ideals, laugh, believe
Different characters, different history
Same tears.
Sensing self vulnerability
Deprived of being powerless
I cannot be angry
I love You
You know, a while ago, before the rage of all those new years resolutions started, something changed in me. Unfortunately, all livers and lungs were sold out, but I still think I got a really good deal. I certify that I stared telling the truth- mostly to the ones closest to me, or potentially close to me- what I think, what I feel, when it concerns them and me.
Without colouring anything, without those unneeded metaphors, stupid smiles, unneeded jokes and restraint. I don’t intend to feel ashamed; I don’t want to speak with help of words that no one understands. Got rid of all innuendos, quizzes. Threw the hell out those damn lies. Too much time I lost, too much health slipped through my fingers. I no longer wish to creep in the shadow of my own feelings, with groundless hope, that someone will light the candle.
I have to admit, it hasn’t been easy, required changing many habits. Now, I have to look straight into one’s eyes, without posing tense situations at the same time. Preserve naturalness, discretion, leeway, laughter. Speak adamantly, slowly and firmly. I can and do like myself; there is nothing wrong with that, as long as I speak from the very inside. It helps. Amazingly facilitates and gives me satisfaction, which simply doesn’t fit in my pocket anymore.
Reactions may vary, may start with a shock, after all how many people square directness with sensitivity and vulnerability. Abruptly I observe, how seldom we speak our minds, what we keep in our hearts.
All fruits of my character, my romanticism, sorrows, joys, and frustrations, what I feel and how I try to understand, when shock passes, embarrassment may appear. I may see the cloud of questions. How to behave? Respond to honesty with honesty? Or quickly change the subject?
When I decided for such step, I was afraid of tears, honest-heart-melting smiles. Fury and unstoppable anger. But that's what has convinced me that I made the right choice, when I pulled the plug, turned the fuses off, and in that one shinning moment- everything made sense. There is no more hiding.
It is tad different than I wanted, but in all honesty the method works. Makes me feel better, the fact that I no longer am lying to anyone; I am not hiding things that should have seen the daylight a long time ago. I am sure upcoming months will be ideal, to exercise my own sincerity, strength and straight-forwardness. Who knows, maybe YOU will appreciate it.
So the two of us can feast on the fruit of our feelings soon enough, gettinG rid of doubt and thoughts of moving on. Without stopping, wasting any more time.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Balance sheet of profits and losses
So now that January 09 is officially over, took a hike ad acta,
it’s time for a small summary:
•disappointed expectancy- $12.79
•unlimited text messages- $19.99
•a large jar of chocolate truffles- $69.99
•finding out the truth, breaking free from illusions, awareness cleansing- priceless!!
it’s time for a small summary:
•disappointed expectancy- $12.79
•unlimited text messages- $19.99
•a large jar of chocolate truffles- $69.99
•finding out the truth, breaking free from illusions, awareness cleansing- priceless!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Little bit
A little
Tired
Sleepy
Ashamed
With old
Doors
Unnecessarily
left
Open
With bricks
For a new home
In my hand
Little bit
Sensitive
With shaky balance
And
Water down voice
Writing
Whatever saliva brings
Onto my tongue
Tired
Sleepy
Ashamed
With old
Doors
Unnecessarily
left
Open
With bricks
For a new home
In my hand
Little bit
Sensitive
With shaky balance
And
Water down voice
Writing
Whatever saliva brings
Onto my tongue
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
(-----------) [Part 3]
1.)
Yes. God knows from where, ascended into me new strengths, and so what that math is waiting. It really doesn’t matter what will happen, I have this weird feeling it will be just fine. Because it has to be! It’s about damn time. I feel like dancing, and my whole being is filled with energy with which I can move mountains. And maybe, I really don’t need you. Maybe not now. Because I am well without you.
2.)
When emotions settle down, and anger wears off, I begin to excuse you. That maybe I over-reacted, that I no longer know how it went and if I really had anything to be angry about, because it was nothing big, right? Even though everyone says prominently the same thing-that I shouldn’t have any doubts. Because of the self respect we all know about. Nonetheless. Damn it!
3.)
And you still tried to do it, and I still succumbed. Like I expected. And I was sure there will not be a fairy tale ending along the line of ‘they lived happily ever after’ but something along the lines of ‘the princess putrefied locked in the highest chamber of the highest tower’. And? And nothing. Despite all that I still intentionally acknowledged “yes, sure. I would love to” and for that alone I think I can hate You.
4.)
Worst part is when you realize that people closest to you become so distant. And not because they depart, or walk away, and not because of an argument, but just because.
That states that in that moment they are so foreign, so, unfitting, not-for-ever. But for some time. Day, maybe two. Those are the loneliest moments. When you see the world dancing to rock’n’roll and you only get to look at it through a glass, soundproof wall. Knock. I knock. Can You hear?
5.)
Once and forever remember you dummy- he really is silly, and most likely the 7 lives he had he used three times already. And ‘this’ doesn’t deserve another chance, even one, even …NO! NO! NO! You really cannot be this dumb and naive. Bit of pride and self-respect. That’s it! And don’t fall for his life issues. Starting today- You become a cold heart-ed bitch.
6.)
Preferably, I would like to find a way to break into your head, to finally be able to understand what the fuck is going on in there. You are The Champion of the World
In swinging the lead and stalling.
But best of all- I couldn’t help myself and fell for it.
Even in the tiniest degree. And damn it, for anything in the world, I will never know what sits in that head of yours. Each step and move of yours was and still is totally inexplicable. And, well, I simply don’t know. I really no longer know how to work with it or want to for that matter, for I tried. And it would have been so easy…
7.)
Aside of having a blast, Saturday night I went through all possible emotional-physical states, from euphoria to almost agony. Starting that night I have a resolution and I am proud of it- I will not call you ever aging. Ever. And successively will cross you out from my thoughts. Piece by piece
I’ve tried this before, but this time- I really want to and believe I can
AND, for the most part- will kill if someone tries to change it.
Because I want to draw fists-full of happiness from life without You around.
And You,
You my dear, be well. Farewell!
Yes. God knows from where, ascended into me new strengths, and so what that math is waiting. It really doesn’t matter what will happen, I have this weird feeling it will be just fine. Because it has to be! It’s about damn time. I feel like dancing, and my whole being is filled with energy with which I can move mountains. And maybe, I really don’t need you. Maybe not now. Because I am well without you.
2.)
When emotions settle down, and anger wears off, I begin to excuse you. That maybe I over-reacted, that I no longer know how it went and if I really had anything to be angry about, because it was nothing big, right? Even though everyone says prominently the same thing-that I shouldn’t have any doubts. Because of the self respect we all know about. Nonetheless. Damn it!
3.)
And you still tried to do it, and I still succumbed. Like I expected. And I was sure there will not be a fairy tale ending along the line of ‘they lived happily ever after’ but something along the lines of ‘the princess putrefied locked in the highest chamber of the highest tower’. And? And nothing. Despite all that I still intentionally acknowledged “yes, sure. I would love to” and for that alone I think I can hate You.
4.)
Worst part is when you realize that people closest to you become so distant. And not because they depart, or walk away, and not because of an argument, but just because.
That states that in that moment they are so foreign, so, unfitting, not-for-ever. But for some time. Day, maybe two. Those are the loneliest moments. When you see the world dancing to rock’n’roll and you only get to look at it through a glass, soundproof wall. Knock. I knock. Can You hear?
5.)
Once and forever remember you dummy- he really is silly, and most likely the 7 lives he had he used three times already. And ‘this’ doesn’t deserve another chance, even one, even …NO! NO! NO! You really cannot be this dumb and naive. Bit of pride and self-respect. That’s it! And don’t fall for his life issues. Starting today- You become a cold heart-ed bitch.
6.)
Preferably, I would like to find a way to break into your head, to finally be able to understand what the fuck is going on in there. You are The Champion of the World
In swinging the lead and stalling.
But best of all- I couldn’t help myself and fell for it.
Even in the tiniest degree. And damn it, for anything in the world, I will never know what sits in that head of yours. Each step and move of yours was and still is totally inexplicable. And, well, I simply don’t know. I really no longer know how to work with it or want to for that matter, for I tried. And it would have been so easy…
7.)
Aside of having a blast, Saturday night I went through all possible emotional-physical states, from euphoria to almost agony. Starting that night I have a resolution and I am proud of it- I will not call you ever aging. Ever. And successively will cross you out from my thoughts. Piece by piece
I’ve tried this before, but this time- I really want to and believe I can
AND, for the most part- will kill if someone tries to change it.
Because I want to draw fists-full of happiness from life without You around.
And You,
You my dear, be well. Farewell!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Wall
Actually, I don't know how to describe it
That I tried?
Closing me under a cloche will cause me to wither
You want me to flourish and pulsate with life,
and not to abate life?
I am a woman, powered by action.
One that wastes away and dies when
she is not a part of some huge plan or a project.
I draw energy from each deed, thanks to that I exist.
That's my nature. I cannot lie to it, because even though I may try
to silence its call, I will become embittered and sad, walking emptiness.
I still have hungry eyes, glumly squinted
for quite some time now- shine with hope.
And then I fight with the wall and....
Maybe love will be enough???
That I tried?
Closing me under a cloche will cause me to wither
You want me to flourish and pulsate with life,
and not to abate life?
I am a woman, powered by action.
One that wastes away and dies when
she is not a part of some huge plan or a project.
I draw energy from each deed, thanks to that I exist.
That's my nature. I cannot lie to it, because even though I may try
to silence its call, I will become embittered and sad, walking emptiness.
I still have hungry eyes, glumly squinted
for quite some time now- shine with hope.
And then I fight with the wall and....
Maybe love will be enough???
Friday, January 23, 2009
Fridays
Asia: - Wiesz co...zdradze Ci moją tajemnicę... zawsze chcialam mieć torebkę w stylu twojej mamy...żeby się błyszczała... i miała np frędzle... albo jakieś koła metalowe! ale nie mam odwagi... no kurwa, nie mam odwagi!
Aga: - :) spróbuj, to nie boli. moja mama ma dużo dziwnych torebek
Asia: - ale to jest takie totalnie kobiece... żeby miec taką torebkę... z dupy! taką wiesz... jak z almodovara
Aga: - Ania tak miewa.
Asia: - założę się, ze jej torebka cała pachnie... i dzwoni... jakims dzwoneczkiem albo łancuszkiem... o, łancuszek! tez zawsze chcialam przy torebce! ale wyglądałabym jak transwestyta chyba...
Aga: - :) spróbuj, to nie boli. moja mama ma dużo dziwnych torebek
Asia: - ale to jest takie totalnie kobiece... żeby miec taką torebkę... z dupy! taką wiesz... jak z almodovara
Aga: - Ania tak miewa.
Asia: - założę się, ze jej torebka cała pachnie... i dzwoni... jakims dzwoneczkiem albo łancuszkiem... o, łancuszek! tez zawsze chcialam przy torebce! ale wyglądałabym jak transwestyta chyba...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Człowiek bez właściwości.
to think I loved someone I really didn't know.
Perhaps that person never existed, I imagined him
maybe I didn't exist, and I imagined myself
from the very beginning and I poured
everything I had into us.
Everything I ever wanted, and for all those months
I was under the illusion I finally found happiness,
that no one will ever take away from me.
For- I loved and was loved, and love will last through everything.
Under one circumstance-
that it actually exists.
It was squeezed out of me,
as much as possible, as much as I allowed.
As much as I wanted myself.
-take all you want, draw all you want. It is all for you.
When after some time, I became weak, it turns out
I am no longer needed
Now, from day to day I am exchanged for someone else??
Perhaps that person never existed, I imagined him
maybe I didn't exist, and I imagined myself
from the very beginning and I poured
everything I had into us.
Everything I ever wanted, and for all those months
I was under the illusion I finally found happiness,
that no one will ever take away from me.
For- I loved and was loved, and love will last through everything.
Under one circumstance-
that it actually exists.
It was squeezed out of me,
as much as possible, as much as I allowed.
As much as I wanted myself.
-take all you want, draw all you want. It is all for you.
When after some time, I became weak, it turns out
I am no longer needed
Now, from day to day I am exchanged for someone else??
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Scandalous evening with Jack
Upijam się powoli, śmiejąc się i żartując.
Wlewam do swego gardła myśli i wspomnienia.
Coraz gorzej mi jest, coraz smutniej.
Gasnę jak pochodnia bez swojej nafty.
Wieczór ze znajomymi to kolejny koszmar pijaka.
Jesteś znowu pijany, jesteś sam.
Myśli krążą wokół głowy jak dzika melodia.
A w tle leci 'zjebałeś wszystko'.
I am irrational, chaotic and tempestuous
But not dumb. And for the most part-
I know where truth lies and where the heart of the matter is
I do not read in between the lines,
Unless the inter-line is so wide, that the text stretches in stitches
And everything looses grip and sense
Counter to pretense I am logical
I listen. Look. And stay silent.
Draw conclusions.
I place a period.
To last despite everything?
I am able to only when I strongly believe in something.
In meantime I have no illusions. Thank God.
I wont lie, the end of 2008 was tad fucked up, if you pardon my french.
I cleaned my life- I swept detritus from under the carpet and my bed
Threw out unneeded memories, expired passion and naive kisses.
I calculated my profits and losses- sorted pictures ad acta
In meantime fallacious and false confessions packed in old cardboard shoe boxes.
Enough. It is much lighter in my 'heart' and the life gained distinct flavour.
Besides, eight months is enough time to believe in your love,
one is enough to become confused
and one day to find out that I am alone on the road.
I have erased the most precious word from my dictionary
'forever'.
I no longer wish to be attached to anyone,
I no longer think about 'forever' because forever simply does not exist.
Well, at least not right now.
Wlewam do swego gardła myśli i wspomnienia.
Coraz gorzej mi jest, coraz smutniej.
Gasnę jak pochodnia bez swojej nafty.
Wieczór ze znajomymi to kolejny koszmar pijaka.
Jesteś znowu pijany, jesteś sam.
Myśli krążą wokół głowy jak dzika melodia.
A w tle leci 'zjebałeś wszystko'.
I am irrational, chaotic and tempestuous
But not dumb. And for the most part-
I know where truth lies and where the heart of the matter is
I do not read in between the lines,
Unless the inter-line is so wide, that the text stretches in stitches
And everything looses grip and sense
Counter to pretense I am logical
I listen. Look. And stay silent.
Draw conclusions.
I place a period.
To last despite everything?
I am able to only when I strongly believe in something.
In meantime I have no illusions. Thank God.
I wont lie, the end of 2008 was tad fucked up, if you pardon my french.
I cleaned my life- I swept detritus from under the carpet and my bed
Threw out unneeded memories, expired passion and naive kisses.
I calculated my profits and losses- sorted pictures ad acta
In meantime fallacious and false confessions packed in old cardboard shoe boxes.
Enough. It is much lighter in my 'heart' and the life gained distinct flavour.
Besides, eight months is enough time to believe in your love,
one is enough to become confused
and one day to find out that I am alone on the road.
I have erased the most precious word from my dictionary
'forever'.
I no longer wish to be attached to anyone,
I no longer think about 'forever' because forever simply does not exist.
Well, at least not right now.
Planning my life with snow [Part 2]
don't look back.
and again I write about last year. Because I am thinking, because I have some time to think. Because today actually I had some time. So I was thinking what was. And what is now. I read old emails. Looked at the photo. I remember everything. Butterflies in my stomach. Moths under the heart :)
Angels and Insects. It flew. It whirled. It flourished. In me.
And in December. Even now- I still want to throw everything aside and- like I am standing- run.
Run straight ahead without looking back.
And damn it, I don't think I can. I may not have the courage. So I am standing still.
So I packed it in a box. And am waiting for a sign.
Winter time, in January, with a book like a lucky charm, I begin to walk to get what is mine.
It waited for me.
God, what luck, that I am running again.
That the rope broke.
And I am running. Again.
And we'll collect the moments one by one.
I was sad and well, resigned.
I listened to Eddie Brickell & the new bohemians
over and over
I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody else
And being alone is the best way to be
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be
When I'm by myself, nobody else can say goodbye
Everything is temporary anyway
and again I write about last year. Because I am thinking, because I have some time to think. Because today actually I had some time. So I was thinking what was. And what is now. I read old emails. Looked at the photo. I remember everything. Butterflies in my stomach. Moths under the heart :)
Angels and Insects. It flew. It whirled. It flourished. In me.
And in December. Even now- I still want to throw everything aside and- like I am standing- run.
Run straight ahead without looking back.
And damn it, I don't think I can. I may not have the courage. So I am standing still.
So I packed it in a box. And am waiting for a sign.
Winter time, in January, with a book like a lucky charm, I begin to walk to get what is mine.
It waited for me.
God, what luck, that I am running again.
That the rope broke.
And I am running. Again.
And we'll collect the moments one by one.
I was sad and well, resigned.
I listened to Eddie Brickell & the new bohemians
over and over
I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody else
And being alone is the best way to be
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be
When I'm by myself, nobody else can say goodbye
Everything is temporary anyway
Monday, January 19, 2009
Fluctuat nec mergitur
To cut you out.
with surgical precision.
with extensive margin of healthy tissue.
just in case.
not to leave a single trail of you.
Tried to do it a month ago. but last week,
I forgot.
About myself.
Egocentrism horrifies me,
and I am forced
to be ashamed, embarrassed, and disconcerted. Oh irony.
I don't think I can understand, and I am not sure I want to,
if I wish to think about it again.
I don't want to think about You,
I don't want to write about You
I want to cut you out with one clean cut. Irretrievably.
with surgical precision.
with extensive margin of healthy tissue.
just in case.
not to leave a single trail of you.
Tried to do it a month ago. but last week,
I forgot.
About myself.
Egocentrism horrifies me,
and I am forced
to be ashamed, embarrassed, and disconcerted. Oh irony.
I don't think I can understand, and I am not sure I want to,
if I wish to think about it again.
I don't want to think about You,
I don't want to write about You
I want to cut you out with one clean cut. Irretrievably.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Saving my face :D
My morning ‘awakenings’ at pale twilight were appointed as“dramatic-oneiric fights with a lampion”
Because of the given Circumstances-groaning, cursing, railing, and orange light of the lamp next to my bed.
Today’s edition of that particular fight resembled ragged war. Good half an hour in a 5 minute cycles. Worse than interrupted intercourse. From what I remember, foggy however. Whatever. What was I talking about, oh yeah….
To work I got in a quite tolerable state. As a standard rule, I pigged on a chocolate to start the day.
I set up a coffee date, Moroccan or Szechuan, I don’t remember. Next week.
I make my own food, I still clean. I know. Weird.
Aside of that- I contemplate about myself, seriously and deeply. For, because, an acquaintance of mine educated me, that those blow up animals in the sex shop we went to aren’t really latex embody of zoofil’s sexual fantasies, oh no. As a matter of fact, the blow up miracles I am writing about, are sweet and innocent gifts, they even say: ‘I Love You”.
Hmm, my apologies,I think I was blinded by inherited pan-sexual-ism. I think, not sure yet ;)
Recently (with one ear!) I was listening to the music played by the boys across the window, some lady, distress-fully was singing:
‘Sit on my face, oh sit on my face’ whoooooo, not bad ;> I thought, and even checked the database to see what it was.
And said that, oh did I check: ‘I would give everything just for a taste. Losing my memory, saving my face, oh saving my face’...
It’s called something, but again, I am not very sure ;)
Because of the given Circumstances-groaning, cursing, railing, and orange light of the lamp next to my bed.
Today’s edition of that particular fight resembled ragged war. Good half an hour in a 5 minute cycles. Worse than interrupted intercourse. From what I remember, foggy however. Whatever. What was I talking about, oh yeah….
To work I got in a quite tolerable state. As a standard rule, I pigged on a chocolate to start the day.
I set up a coffee date, Moroccan or Szechuan, I don’t remember. Next week.
I make my own food, I still clean. I know. Weird.
Aside of that- I contemplate about myself, seriously and deeply. For, because, an acquaintance of mine educated me, that those blow up animals in the sex shop we went to aren’t really latex embody of zoofil’s sexual fantasies, oh no. As a matter of fact, the blow up miracles I am writing about, are sweet and innocent gifts, they even say: ‘I Love You”.
Hmm, my apologies,I think I was blinded by inherited pan-sexual-ism. I think, not sure yet ;)
Recently (with one ear!) I was listening to the music played by the boys across the window, some lady, distress-fully was singing:
‘Sit on my face, oh sit on my face’ whoooooo, not bad ;> I thought, and even checked the database to see what it was.
And said that, oh did I check: ‘I would give everything just for a taste. Losing my memory, saving my face, oh saving my face’...
It’s called something, but again, I am not very sure ;)
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I am not afraid like I used to
Here it is folks.
It's enough, that we both know.
Now, suddenly deaf silence.
Words stopped bringing bloodcurdling in effect curse...
Just like always, the first days of silence
were the time of madness and walking on walls.
I saw crowds of women, and got an impression
I will never EVER see him again.
What a nonsense. I know.
Today, finally, peace came.
In the crowd of maliciously empty deceivers,
I fished the crucial (to me) information.
I didn’t know, that one day I will love like this
I wasn’t aware that I could, so deeply, and intensely
like this.
I don’t know words that will not sound trivially
next to what is inside my heart.
For You.
If I had to point out my biggest sacrifice
It would definitely be
allowing myself
To stop needing You.
I am able to live without You.
I am able to. But God damn it,
I really don't want to.
And then You came
Well, maybe not You,
Your voice and smell
Only Smell of yours;
Get caught in it, once more
Hide my face in that sweatshirt of yours
Lay on the couch, with you
Drink warm tea,
And make love
Make frenzy love
I would like to.
My heart started speaking to me again.
I am not afraid of loving you
like I used to.
Today, I drink ungodly amounts of coffee
In a small cup.
A cup of coffee
with a small note of particle decay
It's enough, that we both know.
Now, suddenly deaf silence.
Words stopped bringing bloodcurdling in effect curse...
Just like always, the first days of silence
were the time of madness and walking on walls.
I saw crowds of women, and got an impression
I will never EVER see him again.
What a nonsense. I know.
Today, finally, peace came.
In the crowd of maliciously empty deceivers,
I fished the crucial (to me) information.
I didn’t know, that one day I will love like this
I wasn’t aware that I could, so deeply, and intensely
like this.
I don’t know words that will not sound trivially
next to what is inside my heart.
For You.
If I had to point out my biggest sacrifice
It would definitely be
allowing myself
To stop needing You.
I am able to live without You.
I am able to. But God damn it,
I really don't want to.
And then You came
Well, maybe not You,
Your voice and smell
Only Smell of yours;
Get caught in it, once more
Hide my face in that sweatshirt of yours
Lay on the couch, with you
Drink warm tea,
And make love
Make frenzy love
I would like to.
My heart started speaking to me again.
I am not afraid of loving you
like I used to.
Today, I drink ungodly amounts of coffee
In a small cup.
A cup of coffee
with a small note of particle decay
Saturday, January 10, 2009
In the new year...
...I would wish myself a dab of cynicism
Though my inner pollyanna knows a thousand antidotes
I explain to her.
-Leave it, I want it this way. It will be better this way.
And she patters with her patent shoes and hoses everything down with Sweet syrup from a huge glass bottle, which she keeps under the bed, short of pile of "paying guest" diaries and a box of liquorice treats.
-Get the fuck out, pollyanna! I say out of pure goodness. I really wish I could stop believing in love, and finally have some peace
Though my inner pollyanna knows a thousand antidotes
I explain to her.
-Leave it, I want it this way. It will be better this way.
And she patters with her patent shoes and hoses everything down with Sweet syrup from a huge glass bottle, which she keeps under the bed, short of pile of "paying guest" diaries and a box of liquorice treats.
-Get the fuck out, pollyanna! I say out of pure goodness. I really wish I could stop believing in love, and finally have some peace
Friday, January 2, 2009
Birds
And the Day, He isn't anymore, that wakes up with hope
And the Night, He isn't anymore, that heals and pants for Fair Love.
the Day, He isn't anymore, that is worth remembering
the Night, He isn't anymore, that birds pray for,
departing into Space of Abeyance.
During the Day, He is no longer around
At night, He will no longer be around
First scream of Skittish Birds.
First thought of lossing heaven.
And the Night, He isn't anymore, that heals and pants for Fair Love.
the Day, He isn't anymore, that is worth remembering
the Night, He isn't anymore, that birds pray for,
departing into Space of Abeyance.
During the Day, He is no longer around
At night, He will no longer be around
First scream of Skittish Birds.
First thought of lossing heaven.
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