Like The First Time

When the wind of amnesia disperses smoke over the water
When the wall keeps on growing though songs were supposed to tear it down
When Pinocchio in the fire falls
Little Prince is long gone
And the tracks to Narnia disappear

Kiss me, just like the first time
Don't let the routine of lips' desire wreck us
Let's make love, like for the first time
Oh love, without betrayal, and jealous world

When with a wrinkle time often carves the face
When God ages out in us to trust him more often than not
When thoughtless rumble around us
Want to cover the lack of ideas
And money, trying to eat its own tail, scored colic

Kiss me…
Sip champagne naked
And nibble on strawberries right after
On the beach make love
Before stars' eyes
Have pillow fights
Always laugh way too loud
And drink two beers after we're done.

Please, take care of me...

You can fight for me,
or throw a word
I take my coat off
You have no idea how I am
In white, black or red,
Grey mouse mixed with dirt, or with gold around neck
Queen of the disco, to like or to believe
Looking for a prince charming, or prefer a knight?
Maybe I want you to say you love me
Maybe I will laugh at the flower you bring
Maybe I mistake your name for my friends
It's hard to be around me
And you should know it won't be easy
If you aren't sure

Listen, I couldn't fall asleep last night
Morning show is on, dawn outside the window
Sleepless night didn't bring any bliss
People still can't figure out who I really am
And you know my thoughts and desires
Quite days or drunken tango
Sweet or crazy, I will finally state myself
You probably would give up a lot to understand me
The rest of whiskey at the bottom of my glass
Funny play, or picture of distress, maybe?
Percentage of courage will bring revenue
To come up to you, and whisper in you ear

Take care of me, even when I don't want you to
Take care of me, tremendously, so tremendously
Take care of me, even when you lack the reasons
Take care of me, tremendously

I am angry because I am alone in my bed
Busy signal when I call my heart,
Because I once lost the sense of life
Speeding on the highway of life
I crashed into you
So please take care of me,
Even when I don't want you to,
Even when I say no.

I discovered a new dimension of days and hours...

My city- abode of lowlife, Homo neanderthalensis, baboons, and oafs.
Eviscerated from my thoughts, my own wish, mind you.
Accompanied by feeling of ridiculous comicality and small-scale-ness.
Like remorse, of a rape victim.

Monday. Quite possibly the worst day I can think of. The most gimpy and worthless part of the week.
I hate it, well, maybe not hate it, but its structure doesnt really suit me well.
Crisis of failures starts early in the morning, and I see its results later on.
And I am tired of this Monday, that hasn't come yet, this black, hurting and screaming at the top of its lungs Monday.


I discovered a new dimension of days and hours, when I lay in bed
silence surrounds me, and every inch of my body remembers your touch.
Magic? Perhaps. Even rain dribbles in the rhythm of my thoughts,
it's, hmmm, well, weird, and I'm satisfied.
Boards squeak, everyone is asleep, I silently whisper
"Please, dont make me wait for a miracle another day"
And lips still remember the kisses, it's the soul that's full of uncertainty and vague questions,
which quite possibly won't ever be answered.
Teach me how to dance, as I dont know steps to life's rhythm. I lost it.
I try to explain to myself that uncertanity, this unnamed feeling.
Nothing hurts more than the light of dawn
I fall asleep to wake up again
Maybe you dont necessarily know, maybe you dont want to know
Maybe we have to grow up.
Strong enough to feel, to wake the heart up.
Maybe it's waking up I need, adulthood of some sort,
but in a different meaning of that word.

Cliche

We all get used to rejection
We learn to live without affection
And when the cold wind blows
And lovers have to go
We will keep on walking on.
I know those scenes so well
I’ve gotten all the stories to tell
But when the cold wind blows
I just want you to know
That I will be here for you.
Ever since I saw you
I tell you that I knew
I now it’s a cliché
I’ll say it anyway
I will be here for you
I have stumbled, I have fallen
But somehow I’ve landed at your door
I was searching and I heard you calling
Now I’ve forgotten all that came before
If home is where the heart is
I give my heart to you
Welcome home, lover
I’m no longer passing through

So, darling...

So darling, I want it,
I want You
To live means to love, and I really do
It's the most one can have, so if you can- take it
Not taking anything, think of how much you can give
One can try to train all life trying to catch it
Not taking anything, think of how much you can give
You will understand the sense of words, to hate but to love
This is how it sometimes is, level of adrenaline increases
You know well, it sticks around, it lasts in us
I won't resign but transfer my heart on a piece of paper
What linked us, stronger and more beautiful
Builds a foundation, lifetime investment
To raise the Lifes crossbar, as high as possible
Love is a blissful state, to experience Cupid's arrowsm
It kicks just like it does, undress pressure- the city at night
A day will come, you'll realize-- Earth-Eden
Though few drove through, you need to fight,
Faith in love has to be enough, life likes to scold
Love- because its the most important, nothing is more beautiful than
Love, the moments of happiness
Sometimes its tough, but I know felicity is with me
I will conquer life peaks though other might give up

There is time for everything, Love is a fodder,
And if you open you heart, you will see not once
One might think it's a common thing but to me it's unique
You just simply can't not understand it, can't not touch it
I yearn for love, like a blind man yearns for the light
Two faces, one love, a thousand virtues, and imperfections
I'll say it: I love to live
Love, and those moments- catch, it's not worth to hide
Aim for the kingdom, I aim for the heart
Together, not only for a day, a huge teddy bear
Going forward, towards life, I only want to walk with you
How many minutes has it been? Nights? How many days?
Only a sucker taunts right now, maybe the truth will stick around
Not a routine, I just want You
So I want it and I want You
Without delusions, so real, and true.

Stay...

I didn't search for love
She found me
Ingratiated into my soul
and decided to stay with me
I didn't search for her

I think, still,
am afraid
to just
fall in love with you
with everything I am

Because you already are

My air
my sight on a foggy day
hope in desperate silence
waft of spring healing my glumly heart
water on a wasteland of feelings
a word releasing me from triviality

A wafer with which
I will reconcile with myself
A word exonerating me from triviality

So please...
...stay.

April 28th, 2009

I looked at her, when I almost put eye-shadow on my oedematous eyelids.

The whole night she cried over her dream, that will never come back

and will stay too far away, though no one can step right in the middle.

The whole night she cried, despair over lost honor and pride.

Over her own egoism, over egoism of others, that she explicitly notices.

She hesitates, bits her lip, wavers, just now thoughts collared, from which she cannot run away.

Future is unknown. Wherefrom the security and certainty?

Look. All problems are not important, because here I am holding my whole life.

That broken dream, oh so damn heavy, that I, one day, may be able to glue back together, and find its place,

Because even though it is broken, dull and flat, is still full of radiance and glow.

Rain steadily clatters a rhythm, hitting the window.

Darkness snarls from everywhere, becomes materialistic, tenacious, omnipresent, no longer empty

but filled with sound.

She appears dormant, but continues, on the border of two worlds.

She is most beautiful when, in Her wonderful lonely sorrow,

in the hour between night and dawn, when God is creating a new day.

Long avenues full of rain, almost like glass spilled all over the world.

Even the lamp's light softens, darkness sings,

Rain still clatters the same rhythm.

Trees lugubriously hung their heads, listening to wind's stories.

'They took You far away from Me' He says.

'But now, I will walk You home'.

Canticles of rain and tears, everything is misplaced today.

J'ai le vin mauvais.

Too much wine makes me sleepy.

21 things...

Do you derive joy from someone else’s success?
Do you choose not to play dirty when engaged in a competition?

What about your intellectual capacity
But know that it is not adequate for wisdom?
Do you see everything as illusion?
But enjoy it, even thought you are not a part of it?

Are you both masculine and feminine?
Politically aware but without belief in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover.
Not necessary needs but qualities that I prefer.

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing
That loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
Are you funny? Self depreciating? Like an adventure?
And have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover.
Not necessary needs but qualities that I prefer.
I figured I can describe them since I have a choice in this matter

I am in no hurry, I could wait forever
I am in no rush because I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure
In the meantime I will live like there is no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed? More than three times a week?
Up for being experimental? Are you athletic?
Are you striving to be better?
Are you addicted to the adrenaline of learning new things?
Perhaps you alone can be addicting?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover.
Not necessary needs but qualities that I prefer.

Curious and communicative.

Short, sweet. Very business like.

I like:
to wake up in the morning, look at my phone, and
see an unread text message. I like it even more if it's from You.

I Don't Like:
Falling asleep alone. Annoying and quite frankly-silly.

Tears dry on their own.

Still the number of women with nervous breakdown is rising. Of victims also.
Independently of what I think and feel, with surprise I state that my resistance and immunity to drama has shrunk lately to the size of a thimble.

In the past I was a pot without a bottom, able to accept all the problems, quandaries and listening for hours to friends get things off their chest, and also utter strangers. I was a sponge that patiently absorbed all that pain, inter-human grunge and personal despairs. I alone was a walking drama, frolicking hysterically and existential fucking traumas into atoms, injuries and fears.

It does not pass. You do not forget. You just need to learn with it. Calmly.
There are no other means. No one will save us. No one will fix us.

I really cannot listen to consecutive testimonies of break downs. I cannot. With first words I shrink inside and my head explodes.I am in no condition to help anyone, and listening hurts. Though helplessness hurts more.

And anger in me grows, that humans spin distractedly around their own axis, instead of beginning to live. And appreciated what they have. Luxury of breathing.

Ugh. I’ve changed.

In the past boldly I thought I can understand people. Today- not so much.
Today I’m just tired. I operate with simples phrases- “yes” and “no”.

Yes, yes you can count on me.

No, I will not fall down with you.

An immortal princess-mermaid-ninja...

The fact that I am a princess should be obvious, to everyone by now, no exceptions ;)

Lately prickled with the, umm, strong feeling of actually possesing appropriate insignia- because caprice, forsting-sugar and pepper moods and emotional landscapes made of colorful glass- I already have. In excess, enough, thank you. Now, I want to have a real crown, scepter. wand and circlet. sparkler and bauble.

...of course, crown as a princess, I desire, with plastic, glasses, and sequins. I vistied a store or 5 with toys. ..and nothing.... they have nothing. ...perhaps other Platichthys flesus bought it out.

and now in those crowns promenade, emo-undines. Damnit... and I want a crown. To put it .. to work. Eat dinner in it, and reverently do the dishes. I want. Bellyache. I wrote to Erin, I told Justyna- whoever knows, whoever has seen. Plastic. Glass. Wanted.

And then Justyna calls with question: circlet or a crown? and describes in details, sends a picture... Which one...And I smile, and laugh. I say the ones with rubies, all opulent, gracious and swanky. and magic wand to brandish.

Then I write to Erin, that I am as a matter of fact that damn, real too, motherfuckin' princess..

So yeah. It's wicked. And cool too. To be a beautiful , immortal princess-mermaid-ninja

But best- it is to have peope/friends around who chugalug my moron-imbecile being with convivial smile :)

In effect

And You
In effect may fall in love with me.
Lets drive to the south.
We'll sit on the hotel bed, and all night,
I will tell you about everything
When we come back,like nothing happened,
You can keep on surprising me.

Morning of zombies

Sometimes it happens that I feel something through my skin,
pins and needles run down my neck and clip my muscles
air becomes humid and heavy, colors fade a few tones
I become nervous and vigilant
Something somewhere mooches and circles around me,
tighter and tighter
And it appears suddenly- just like that.

Boldly in its commonness and disarming triviality
Like a body deprived of its innards
Feelings pierced, spooned out of character’s jurisdiction
and adjectives of soul

I don’t feel a damn thing,
and I am not especially surprised
Well, maybe at most with the fact that
I am able to look the truth in its eyes

You are a goner to me
Without a single chance of resurrecting
any time soon.


[too harsh? I highly doubt that]

The World Lost Weight

Another worry-full, grey and dead day,
Poisoned life lost the sense so fast
There is no hope and belief, sin took place of love
You feel sulky, and who is the one to blame?
You are like a strong wind
You are like a sin
You build that world
Because you make everyday evil
Life in a dream
Where at the end,
In heaven
They will appreciate you .
Once you thought, you dreamt
That a miracle will happen.
Different is what you expected,
And all of a sudden the world lost weight.