Little bit

A little
Tired
Sleepy
Ashamed

With old
Doors
Unnecessarily
left
Open


With bricks
For a new home
In my hand

Little bit
Sensitive
With shaky balance
And
Water down voice

Writing
Whatever saliva brings
Onto my tongue

(-----------) [Part 3]

1.)
Yes. God knows from where, ascended into me new strengths, and so what that math is waiting. It really doesn’t matter what will happen, I have this weird feeling it will be just fine. Because it has to be! It’s about damn time. I feel like dancing, and my whole being is filled with energy with which I can move mountains. And maybe, I really don’t need you. Maybe not now. Because I am well without you.

2.)
When emotions settle down, and anger wears off, I begin to excuse you. That maybe I over-reacted, that I no longer know how it went and if I really had anything to be angry about, because it was nothing big, right? Even though everyone says prominently the same thing-that I shouldn’t have any doubts. Because of the self respect we all know about. Nonetheless. Damn it!

3.)
And you still tried to do it, and I still succumbed. Like I expected. And I was sure there will not be a fairy tale ending along the line of ‘they lived happily ever after’ but something along the lines of ‘the princess putrefied locked in the highest chamber of the highest tower’. And? And nothing. Despite all that I still intentionally acknowledged “yes, sure. I would love to” and for that alone I think I can hate You.


4.)
Worst part is when you realize that people closest to you become so distant. And not because they depart, or walk away, and not because of an argument, but just because.
That states that in that moment they are so foreign, so, unfitting, not-for-ever. But for some time. Day, maybe two. Those are the loneliest moments. When you see the world dancing to rock’n’roll and you only get to look at it through a glass, soundproof wall. Knock. I knock. Can You hear?

5.)
Once and forever remember you dummy- he really is silly, and most likely the 7 lives he had he used three times already. And ‘this’ doesn’t deserve another chance, even one, even …NO! NO! NO! You really cannot be this dumb and naive. Bit of pride and self-respect. That’s it! And don’t fall for his life issues. Starting today- You become a cold heart-ed bitch.

6.)
Preferably, I would like to find a way to break into your head, to finally be able to understand what the fuck is going on in there. You are The Champion of the World
In swinging the lead and stalling.
But best of all- I couldn’t help myself and fell for it.
Even in the tiniest degree. And damn it, for anything in the world, I will never know what sits in that head of yours. Each step and move of yours was and still is totally inexplicable. And, well, I simply don’t know. I really no longer know how to work with it or want to for that matter, for I tried. And it would have been so easy…

7.)
Aside of having a blast, Saturday night I went through all possible emotional-physical states, from euphoria to almost agony. Starting that night I have a resolution and I am proud of it- I will not call you ever aging. Ever. And successively will cross you out from my thoughts. Piece by piece

I’ve tried this before, but this time- I really want to and believe I can
AND, for the most part- will kill if someone tries to change it.
Because I want to draw fists-full of happiness from life without You around.
And You,
You my dear, be well. Farewell!

Wall

Actually, I don't know how to describe it
That I tried?
Closing me under a cloche will cause me to wither
You want me to flourish and pulsate with life,
and not to abate life?

I am a woman, powered by action.
One that wastes away and dies when
she is not a part of some huge plan or a project.
I draw energy from each deed, thanks to that I exist.
That's my nature. I cannot lie to it, because even though I may try
to silence its call, I will become embittered and sad, walking emptiness.
I still have hungry eyes, glumly squinted
for quite some time now- shine with hope.

And then I fight with the wall and....
Maybe love will be enough???

Fridays

Asia: - Wiesz co...zdradze Ci moją tajemnicę... zawsze chcialam mieć torebkę w stylu twojej mamy...żeby się błyszczała... i miała np frędzle... albo jakieś koła metalowe! ale nie mam odwagi... no kurwa, nie mam odwagi!
Aga: - :) spróbuj, to nie boli. moja mama ma dużo dziwnych torebek
Asia: - ale to jest takie totalnie kobiece... żeby miec taką torebkę... z dupy! taką wiesz... jak z almodovara
Aga: - Ania tak miewa.
Asia: - założę się, ze jej torebka cała pachnie... i dzwoni... jakims dzwoneczkiem albo łancuszkiem... o, łancuszek! tez zawsze chcialam przy torebce! ale wyglądałabym jak transwestyta chyba...

Człowiek bez właściwości.

to think I loved someone I really didn't know.
Perhaps that person never existed, I imagined him
maybe I didn't exist, and I imagined myself
from the very beginning and I poured
everything I had into us.
Everything I ever wanted, and for all those months
I was under the illusion I finally found happiness,
that no one will ever take away from me.
For- I loved and was loved, and love will last through everything.
Under one circumstance-
that it actually exists.
It was squeezed out of me,
as much as possible, as much as I allowed.
As much as I wanted myself.
-take all you want, draw all you want. It is all for you.
When after some time, I became weak, it turns out
I am no longer needed
Now, from day to day I am exchanged for someone else??

Scandalous evening with Jack

Upijam się powoli, śmiejąc się i żartując.
Wlewam do swego gardła myśli i wspomnienia.
Coraz gorzej mi jest, coraz smutniej.
Gasnę jak pochodnia bez swojej nafty.
Wieczór ze znajomymi to kolejny koszmar pijaka.
Jesteś znowu pijany, jesteś sam.
Myśli krążą wokół głowy jak dzika melodia.
A w tle leci 'zjebałeś wszystko'.

I am irrational, chaotic and tempestuous
But not dumb. And for the most part-
I know where truth lies and where the heart of the matter is
I do not read in between the lines,
Unless the inter-line is so wide, that the text stretches in stitches
And everything looses grip and sense
Counter to pretense I am logical
I listen. Look. And stay silent.
Draw conclusions.
I place a period.

To last despite everything?
I am able to only when I strongly believe in something.
In meantime I have no illusions. Thank God.
I wont lie, the end of 2008 was tad fucked up, if you pardon my french.

I cleaned my life- I swept detritus from under the carpet and my bed
Threw out unneeded memories, expired passion and naive kisses.
I calculated my profits and losses- sorted pictures ad acta
In meantime fallacious and false confessions packed in old cardboard shoe boxes.
Enough. It is much lighter in my 'heart' and the life gained distinct flavour.
Besides, eight months is enough time to believe in your love,
one is enough to become confused
and one day to find out that I am alone on the road.

I have erased the most precious word from my dictionary
'forever'.
I no longer wish to be attached to anyone,
I no longer think about 'forever' because forever simply does not exist.
Well, at least not right now.

Planning my life with snow [Part 2]

don't look back.
and again I write about last year. Because I am thinking, because I have some time to think. Because today actually I had some time. So I was thinking what was. And what is now. I read old emails. Looked at the photo. I remember everything. Butterflies in my stomach. Moths under the heart :)
Angels and Insects. It flew. It whirled. It flourished. In me.
And in December. Even now- I still want to throw everything aside and- like I am standing- run.
Run straight ahead without looking back.
And damn it, I don't think I can. I may not have the courage. So I am standing still.
So I packed it in a box. And am waiting for a sign.
Winter time, in January, with a book like a lucky charm, I begin to walk to get what is mine.
It waited for me.
God, what luck, that I am running again.
That the rope broke.
And I am running. Again.
And we'll collect the moments one by one.
I was sad and well, resigned.
I listened to Eddie Brickell & the new bohemians
over and over

I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody else
And being alone is the best way to be
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be
When I'm by myself, nobody else can say goodbye
Everything is temporary anyway

Fluctuat nec mergitur

To cut you out.
with surgical precision.
with extensive margin of healthy tissue.
just in case.
not to leave a single trail of you.
Tried to do it a month ago. but last week,
I forgot.
About myself.
Egocentrism horrifies me,
and I am forced
to be ashamed, embarrassed, and disconcerted. Oh irony.
I don't think I can understand, and I am not sure I want to,
if I wish to think about it again.
I don't want to think about You,
I don't want to write about You
I want to cut you out with one clean cut. Irretrievably.

Saving my face :D

My morning ‘awakenings’ at pale twilight were appointed as“dramatic-oneiric fights with a lampion”

Because of the given Circumstances-groaning, cursing, railing, and orange light of the lamp next to my bed.

Today’s edition of that particular fight resembled ragged war. Good half an hour in a 5 minute cycles. Worse than interrupted intercourse. From what I remember, foggy however. Whatever. What was I talking about, oh yeah….

To work I got in a quite tolerable state. As a standard rule, I pigged on a chocolate to start the day.

I set up a coffee date, Moroccan or Szechuan, I don’t remember. Next week.
I make my own food, I still clean. I know. Weird.

Aside of that- I contemplate about myself, seriously and deeply. For, because, an acquaintance of mine educated me, that those blow up animals in the sex shop we went to aren’t really latex embody of zoofil’s sexual fantasies, oh no. As a matter of fact, the blow up miracles I am writing about, are sweet and innocent gifts, they even say: ‘I Love You”.

Hmm, my apologies,I think I was blinded by inherited pan-sexual-ism. I think, not sure yet ;)

Recently (with one ear!) I was listening to the music played by the boys across the window, some lady, distress-fully was singing:
‘Sit on my face, oh sit on my face’ whoooooo, not bad ;> I thought, and even checked the database to see what it was.
And said that, oh did I check: ‘I would give everything just for a taste. Losing my memory, saving my face, oh saving my face’...

It’s called something, but again, I am not very sure ;)

I am not afraid like I used to

Here it is folks.
It's enough, that we both know.
Now, suddenly deaf silence.
Words stopped bringing bloodcurdling in effect curse...
Just like always, the first days of silence
were the time of madness and walking on walls.

I saw crowds of women, and got an impression
I will never EVER see him again.
What a nonsense. I know.


Today, finally, peace came.
In the crowd of maliciously empty deceivers,
I fished the crucial (to me) information.

I didn’t know, that one day I will love like this
I wasn’t aware that I could, so deeply, and intensely
like this.
I don’t know words that will not sound trivially
next to what is inside my heart.
For You.

If I had to point out my biggest sacrifice
It would definitely be
allowing myself
To stop needing You.

I am able to live without You.
I am able to. But God damn it,
I really don't want to.

And then You came
Well, maybe not You,
Your voice and smell
Only Smell of yours;
Get caught in it, once more
Hide my face in that sweatshirt of yours
Lay on the couch, with you
Drink warm tea,
And make love
Make frenzy love
I would like to.

My heart started speaking to me again.
I am not afraid of loving you
like I used to.

Today, I drink ungodly amounts of coffee
In a small cup.
A cup of coffee
with a small note of particle decay

In the new year...

...I would wish myself a dab of cynicism
Though my inner pollyanna knows a thousand antidotes
I explain to her.
-Leave it, I want it this way. It will be better this way.
And she patters with her patent shoes and hoses everything down with Sweet syrup from a huge glass bottle, which she keeps under the bed, short of pile of "paying guest" diaries and a box of liquorice treats.
-Get the fuck out, pollyanna! I say out of pure goodness. I really wish I could stop believing in love, and finally have some peace

Birds

And the Day, He isn't anymore, that wakes up with hope
And the Night, He isn't anymore, that heals and pants for Fair Love.
the Day, He isn't anymore, that is worth remembering
the Night, He isn't anymore, that birds pray for,
departing into Space of Abeyance.

During the Day, He is no longer around
At night, He will no longer be around
First scream of Skittish Birds.
First thought of lossing heaven.