Tabletki z krzy[ży]kiem

A whole sea of words I had for You,
but I am aware
I am wasting my time.
Will stand just a tad. Meditate.
Turn around. Walk away.
I wont knock anymore.

I can't write how much
and say how hard
I can only wait
Until all of this will fit in me
And will stop ripping me apart
I breath. Deeply.
Privy
I know a hundred and eleven ways
to repress tears
And two hundred and eighty tricks
to suppress shouts in my throat
I also train swallowing pills at times,
and everyday 'going to work'
Thank You. I am not too shabby ;)
Maybe I do weigh a ton,
maybe I hate the way maybe sounds
And when I smile, in my eyes sadness
is still noticeable
Maybe indeed I am boring,
Have disposition to sometimes exaggerate
and pile on the agony
Maybe I do expect a lot, but
can give an equal amount back
Maybe I wish to fly, but until then- I walk
Step by step
I walk away from You

I am unsinkable...

I wouldn't lie much, writing, that birds woke me up today.
at 4am..
definitely their time. chirruping. lyrically.
two alarm clocks raising hell I will conceal,
because it doesn't really compose stylistically here.
so anyway, we have 4 o'clock in the morning.
I leave for work in a few hours.
I feel glamorous. And now,
show what you're made of princess.

...about me, I ask not to worry.
ostentation of mercy and excess of principles,
fact remain facts, people- people,
and stools- as we know, stand solidly.
generally- nothing gets lost in nature, and karma is a bitch,
and the rest of all the cliche-s,
which can be multiplied in here. but what for.

I keep walking.
with hands in pockets,
and a huge, hard stone in my stomach

but it will pass
I will pass this.

I am unsinkable, don't lose coordinates,
don't sheer off the track
waft steadily and adamantly,
under my own, independent ensign
with enough energy for entire fleet ;)
well, for the most part :D

Nice to meet you

...I could paint my emotions on canvas...
I could write a poem...
I could crank out a poetic tale...and I?
Banned from eating chocolate,
make some coffee, and wait for spring.

Two month "grace period" ended. Done with sobbing and drama.
That's it on the subject of emotions.
Not worth it. Not for a moment more. And even though emotional flashbacks are inevitable, I will get around those too.
Because I said so. Because I want to. ....in meantime-----I manage well.
I make "well". I order veggie wraps and eat them.
Hours at end I walk in between shelves of The Seminary Co-op, and take, whatever my soul desires.
I will read all the books, even the stupid ones. Because. I want to.
Wander around the city with my mp3 player, and look in every nook and cranny.
Generate energy, and exchange it with others, goof off, peep.
I don't need to disguise to be feeling like someone.
I won't stand on my toes, or pole vault.
I don't have to be trendy, jazzy, groovy, or funky.
I don't need an asymmetric cut from a gay hairdresser, or friends from TV.
I won't glue on a personality, extend my intelligence, or pump my ego.
I don't have a tag. I am exactly, who I am. Not someone else.

My name is Asia.
Nice to meet you.

A Step Away

A whole in the sky, fate managed
Without a reason charade is standing in the doorway
Faded lips love has
Apathy loves you
One more moment and we will melt
Destiny bores me

Will give you myself, though I dont know
If its worth to fudge fate
When I strip from the disgust
You will see me naked

Now, please, leave
Empty space around robs me
Under the eyelid close the tear
I wont ask, you shouldnt either
Maybe I was only your dream

From the highest stage of madness
I am only a moment away
Those few months
Every morning,
I observe the entire world,
In your arms.

My Own Benchmark

How far would I have to move
For You to know why You want to be with me?
Here...
Say it
So many things the world is holding
That I would have to bring down to Your feet
For You just to be
The day wakes, the night caves in
I love You, and it's no ones business
Everyone wanting to set their own benchmark,
You and I- my secret world .
Today, everyone wonders
How for so many years
You and I...
Nothing holds us back, because world belongs to us
The day wakes, the night caves in
I love You, and that's all that matters.

Love

I have no idea how it happened
It fell on me unexpectedly
Like a grey snow in the middle of May
It brought Winter, gale of feelings
It landed in your heart, and mine changed into a snowflake
I will never understand Her, she comes as she pleases
Maybe it will meet me in the fog of solitude
Maybe it will meet me again

Love is like weather, you can never foresee it
First, a hurricane of feelings, then flood of tears

I have no idea how it happened
It fell on me like unexpectedly like a rain on a desert
She brought a cure; she put a spell on me
In a single moment, the world change,
It bloomed in rainbow of colors
I will never understand her, She comes as she pleases
Different everyday,
Like a storm She walks through your life

Though, sometimes it's too strong, though sometimes it's too hot,
One thing I know,
Without Her,
There is no me.

Considerate geography of an accident

Listen. For a few days, and cannot stop. Calms me, sways me. Slowly. More and more Quietly.

Slowly, casually, I learn the art of negligence, not waiting, not expecting, forgiving, endurance, self-support, self-sufficiency. enter and leave. Walk away.

I leave. I pass by. Bypass. Belong to no one. Glide with my eyes, pass through with my tongue. Sensor. Fuse. Check, control and inspect. For unexpectedly it changed. Waned. Sulfate bar of inner willingness and inclination flew down. No, no thank You. I will stand. No, not this close.

That’s it. Without fear, anxiety or concern. State of boiling point well-kept. It aimed directly toward itself. Aimed up. Controlled.

I ask for specifics, something solid and concrete. About meter and a half squared of warm skin. A few organs, and g-spots. Priceless zones.

Screw it! Fuck restraint, we all know I love working

Oh sure. Monday morning like today I like. I so want to, with a fist on my lips,stride like a knight in combat.

...with gooey cluster of windmills, which accumulated in my work-garden. I suspected for this to happen. Group work, despite ostensibly uniting powers, is moving three times slower than solo. It means that mess is thirteen times larger, and tuning the instruments is 30 times longer, and uncertanity of action probably three hundred times heftier, if all, what according to plan was supposed to get done, is after all accomplished, and it wont get lost in the field of red beets. Because someone, something, somewhere. Maybe I will get used to it :)

My own desk, and my own corner.
My very own project, my own work computer, my very own field to plant flowers to honour the system.
Hell, I dont know. For now? For some time?
Until I make enough to buy my very own gypsy wagon, and folk group to play violin when I go to bed.
Naaaaaaaaaah...... temporary solution: a mighty swamp of most lives. Substitutionary, and temporary- just like a temporary car.

Curriculum vitae, which actual version is actually in service, with the screenwriter. To iron, to ennoble, meanwhile, in the meantime you drive the "temporary Curriculum vitae".
Years at the time.

Oh no no no.
I will either love what awaits me ( "You did everything? You still have some time? Because, you know we have this loophole here, appears, just for You")....or I will restore the silence and harmony which -didnt quite remember- after all I did have.

The world didnt fall apart. "After all it's just my job"- I reapeat, and astonsihed listen, when they take me into account time after time. I nod my head- for now.

I wont let that happen- and here you have my pledge, signed with the blood from the elbow I ripped on the fence in the back yard three life times ago- I wont let it happen. You know, that situation form "The Generation X" : total spam after robbery apprenticeship at the work place, and then the suburbs, and a job, to losen up somehow.

Restraint, restraint, restraint....the Angel repeats over one ear. The Devil over the other one passionatily whispers: Screw it! Fuck restraint: we all know I love working.

Auto-diagnosis

10:04:55 asia.bizub
I simply have a problem
And the problem is
10:05:07 obrien.suzanne
That YOU have too strong of a personality????
10:05:36 asia.bizub
And strong-personality-women scare men
Attract alcoholics
So in general- I’m fucked
10:06:01 obrien.suzanne
No. Wait. What? Alcoholics????
Yes you are.

I już, już palce piszą...i...no w morde...dupa.

Fathers with strong fists
Light late at night glaucous light bulbs
Of beloved screens
Red fingers Clasping the metal of cans
Or stroke the slippery necks of green bottles
Later they sleep but don’t dream
Wake up every now and then
Covered with silver dewdrops
Listen to creaking floor
Passionate melodies of door handles
In doors that have been long
Shut closed
When first scream of dawn
Shaking awake from the night
They get up, Honing
Knees and dusty soul
Loudly splutter in tiled bathrooms
Pattering feet on the wooden floor
Spurting metal pots
That cannot be smashed
Sons of fathers with hard jaws
Wake up five minutes after dawn
With alarm clock spoons on the floor
Overfilled souls on shoulder
Carefully dressed in tidy Grey rags
Wincing in the surface of blue mirrors
Then with quite morning porridge
Eyes paint shapes of far away islands
And dark, warm caves
Where they can dream each night
Dreams scented with sea power

Dark sides of the moon.
Shine during the day with gloom of the well
(her black iris gobbles up the pupil)
In the unbreakable shadow hide
Outlines of dust rings
(her lips seem to say
Us is gone)

A lot of swearing. Purposely.

I’m going to a local store to buy three kilos of beef liver, in which I will sink my claws and I will shred in into tatters. Screaming.

(Tatters later I will feed the cats, which keenly conjecture under the window of my Grey, damp, bleak office. Ha, they should be careful, or they will end up in the “CATS’ BODIES” exhibit, ragged skin, later I will spray with my hairspray)

Because on my way to work today…

Traffic. Fair. Happens everyday. Heavier, lighter- I am used to it. I have written traffic into my curriculum vitae as indelible element. A component or ingredient I would say. Not to say- everyday laboriousness. To top it all off, construction on one of the lanes calmly taking over the street without an alternate route. I somehow don’t believe they will fix it, without ruts, for a smooth ride, because it’s near IMPOSSIBLE in the Chicago asphalt reality, but hey, what do I know. The government has to give jobs so we don’t go into deeper depression.

But today the traffic started already in downtown so on each crossing, I mean, on every single damn crossing wonderful Chicagoan drivers, cunt lice passing malaria spore, would just jam the intersection and happily blocking it for the duration of my green light. Relevantly to that, being the third vehicle on the turning lane, we waited 2, 6, 50 lights. And that went on for the new 123456789 lights.

Chicago Police Department has financial issues????? Really????
I really don’t quite understand that. If each one of those mega assholes driving with their hands growing out of their assholes would get a ticket for being brain dead empty headed butt heads, for having other drivers and the rules of the road where the sun don’t shine.

What in the world do we need the photo radars for if the entire city doesn’t drive, we stand still?????

Tremendous oversight is that everyone can have a kid, and driver’s license. It shouldn’t be like that. Only then the world would have a chance to be a better place.

In connection with the above statements, I will go get that liver and about a kilo of trinitrotoluene, before I have a stroke.

I feel godly.
I think that may be the only thing that makes me happy.
Wait. Next to chocolate.

Aj Nie Wiem

With one smooth move, on ‘breath in’, I close us. I send us away. My cheeks are no longer rosy. My hands no longer shake. The world did not stop moving. It no longer hurts. I breath. Everything is exactly the way it used to be.

TELEGRAM: chillness is able to effectively expire feel-ings.

I am like a thawing machine.
Firstly, I freeze in me, whatever I feel.
Then, when suddenly arrives that tide of tenderness, I begin to melt.
Melted I prick conscience, that my direction of actions is simply absurd.
For the frozen product that is thawing decomposes.
Oh, right. After all, I am decomposed- all the way through the bone narrow.

TELEGRAM: In all honesty, I don’t require all that much….

Maybe…Nonetheless my temperature should go down. I will gain my strength to have it with my past, once and for all.

Time to clean all this me that collected around me- only because I wasn’t able to move an eyelid. How much can one close eyes to obvious matters. He was. Now gone. And won’t be. Time came to roll up my sleeves and stop the bellyaching.

Think too much today. Too long. And I am scared. Looking at me, most likely wont be able to tell. Under the curtain of smile I hide fright and consternation. When you want a lot, you pay the highest price.

New beginnings...

...are hella good :)

When in May you start smelling and feeling spring,
it doesn't necessary mean that you lost your sense.
Happiness can take weird forms,
and sometimes it can hide under a few inconspicuous rays of sunshine
or under a stone.

All of a sudden, everything seems so much easier,
and problems, everyday ones, I ran away from, melt away in the sun.
Because sometimes it is just that easy.
And for those moments alone, I want to wake up in the morning,
and not notice that years are running a lot faster now,
and that I no longer am a child whose priority was the candy store.
Wait. I am

I wont stop the instant of evanescent enthusiasm and hope,
that everything will align, between us, between myself and I,
and I will enjoy it for as long as the sky will remain blue.

Planning my life with sun [Part 1]

I no longer run, just to be away
I walk towards my dreams, straight thoughts, expectations
in May, with sun in my face
I gave in to everyday life,
without feeling nauseous when I look in the mirror
I define happiness as little things
people that surround me, family, the ones I love,
spring, a box of chocolates,
I am done with pretending and insincerity
I want to get lost in that love I hold so dearly,
once again,
Dredge up ideals, laugh, believe
Different characters, different history
Same tears.
Sensing self vulnerability
Deprived of being powerless
I cannot be angry
I love You



You know, a while ago, before the rage of all those new years resolutions started, something changed in me. Unfortunately, all livers and lungs were sold out, but I still think I got a really good deal. I certify that I stared telling the truth- mostly to the ones closest to me, or potentially close to me- what I think, what I feel, when it concerns them and me.

Without colouring anything, without those unneeded metaphors, stupid smiles, unneeded jokes and restraint. I don’t intend to feel ashamed; I don’t want to speak with help of words that no one understands. Got rid of all innuendos, quizzes. Threw the hell out those damn lies. Too much time I lost, too much health slipped through my fingers. I no longer wish to creep in the shadow of my own feelings, with groundless hope, that someone will light the candle.

I have to admit, it hasn’t been easy, required changing many habits. Now, I have to look straight into one’s eyes, without posing tense situations at the same time. Preserve naturalness, discretion, leeway, laughter. Speak adamantly, slowly and firmly. I can and do like myself; there is nothing wrong with that, as long as I speak from the very inside. It helps. Amazingly facilitates and gives me satisfaction, which simply doesn’t fit in my pocket anymore.

Reactions may vary, may start with a shock, after all how many people square directness with sensitivity and vulnerability. Abruptly I observe, how seldom we speak our minds, what we keep in our hearts.

All fruits of my character, my romanticism, sorrows, joys, and frustrations, what I feel and how I try to understand, when shock passes, embarrassment may appear. I may see the cloud of questions. How to behave? Respond to honesty with honesty? Or quickly change the subject?

When I decided for such step, I was afraid of tears, honest-heart-melting smiles. Fury and unstoppable anger. But that's what has convinced me that I made the right choice, when I pulled the plug, turned the fuses off, and in that one shinning moment- everything made sense. There is no more hiding.

It is tad different than I wanted, but in all honesty the method works. Makes me feel better, the fact that I no longer am lying to anyone; I am not hiding things that should have seen the daylight a long time ago. I am sure upcoming months will be ideal, to exercise my own sincerity, strength and straight-forwardness. Who knows, maybe YOU will appreciate it.

So the two of us can feast on the fruit of our feelings soon enough, gettinG rid of doubt and thoughts of moving on. Without stopping, wasting any more time.