Planning my life with sun [Part 1]

I no longer run, just to be away
I walk towards my dreams, straight thoughts, expectations
in May, with sun in my face
I gave in to everyday life,
without feeling nauseous when I look in the mirror
I define happiness as little things
people that surround me, family, the ones I love,
spring, a box of chocolates,
I am done with pretending and insincerity
I want to get lost in that love I hold so dearly,
once again,
Dredge up ideals, laugh, believe
Different characters, different history
Same tears.
Sensing self vulnerability
Deprived of being powerless
I cannot be angry
I love You



You know, a while ago, before the rage of all those new years resolutions started, something changed in me. Unfortunately, all livers and lungs were sold out, but I still think I got a really good deal. I certify that I stared telling the truth- mostly to the ones closest to me, or potentially close to me- what I think, what I feel, when it concerns them and me.

Without colouring anything, without those unneeded metaphors, stupid smiles, unneeded jokes and restraint. I don’t intend to feel ashamed; I don’t want to speak with help of words that no one understands. Got rid of all innuendos, quizzes. Threw the hell out those damn lies. Too much time I lost, too much health slipped through my fingers. I no longer wish to creep in the shadow of my own feelings, with groundless hope, that someone will light the candle.

I have to admit, it hasn’t been easy, required changing many habits. Now, I have to look straight into one’s eyes, without posing tense situations at the same time. Preserve naturalness, discretion, leeway, laughter. Speak adamantly, slowly and firmly. I can and do like myself; there is nothing wrong with that, as long as I speak from the very inside. It helps. Amazingly facilitates and gives me satisfaction, which simply doesn’t fit in my pocket anymore.

Reactions may vary, may start with a shock, after all how many people square directness with sensitivity and vulnerability. Abruptly I observe, how seldom we speak our minds, what we keep in our hearts.

All fruits of my character, my romanticism, sorrows, joys, and frustrations, what I feel and how I try to understand, when shock passes, embarrassment may appear. I may see the cloud of questions. How to behave? Respond to honesty with honesty? Or quickly change the subject?

When I decided for such step, I was afraid of tears, honest-heart-melting smiles. Fury and unstoppable anger. But that's what has convinced me that I made the right choice, when I pulled the plug, turned the fuses off, and in that one shinning moment- everything made sense. There is no more hiding.

It is tad different than I wanted, but in all honesty the method works. Makes me feel better, the fact that I no longer am lying to anyone; I am not hiding things that should have seen the daylight a long time ago. I am sure upcoming months will be ideal, to exercise my own sincerity, strength and straight-forwardness. Who knows, maybe YOU will appreciate it.

So the two of us can feast on the fruit of our feelings soon enough, gettinG rid of doubt and thoughts of moving on. Without stopping, wasting any more time.